Author: martylux

Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓

I have had these depressive episodes for several weeks now. I am used to feeling them from time to time, but usually they were not so frequent one after the other. Here for several weeks, they kept coming back every weekend, as soon as I was having some more time for myself. When I was out and about, engaged in my projects and having fun with friends, they were not there. As soon as I found myself alone, and I have set on the sofa facing myself, it was not good. I felt alone, I felt rejected, sad and inadequate.

Usually, I would know what was causing such feelings – it would be a certain concrete situation which would hurt me, and it would take me some alone time to process it before I could get back to my full power. This time it was not like that. It felt heavy, and it kept coming back in the exact same intensity every single time I was sitting in that living room by myself. All my destructive behaviors came back with it, and it was very hard to find any inspiration to do all those amazing things I was so excited to start just couple of weeks ago.

I kept saying to myself that I obviously did not learn yet (after all this time) how to love myself properly in absence of other people, and I should just do some nice things for myself. Deep inside I knew that that statement cannot be completely true because I used to really enjoy my alone times. I used to be excited with the thought that finally I will have time to dedicate to myself, with my phone off and no living soul around. Just me, myself and I. I used to feel pure joy when just thinking about doing that. Something was not right.

First, I thought I just have a lot on my plate, and I clearly must be under pressure. It will be good to just cry it out. After a full weekend of crying and pouring my soul out, couple of days later, I was getting the same feeling back. I was exercising, making myself go for walks, danced and did yoga knowing that moving the stagnant energy through your body helps to resolve whatever is blocking it. It did feel better for a moment, but it did not bring the revelation. Neither did taking time with friends, taking time without friends, taking time with HIM, doing more meditation, journaling nor any other spiritual practice that is regularly on my plate. Nothing was really easing my pain. It kept coming back.

During all this time, HE and I had a difficult time together. There were all those circumstances that kept multiplying only to stay on our way. At least that’s how it seemed. I was thorn between knowing that when things are meant for us in our lives, they are delivered to us smoothly and believing that if you really want something, you should fight for it. What I did not seem to grasp entirely was that the fight is not meant to feel like a literal battle where you fight for your survival.

I wanted so desperately for those things to work out that I was exhausting myself building sandcastles. I was investing heavily into something before I checked whether the investment was solid. I was not treated right, and I was making excuses for it. I decided to believe when HE said that the circumstances were difficult right now, but our time will come. There is no other time but RIGHT NOW. If something is not right right now, it is simply not right. I knew that, but still I was allowing myself to be fooled with my eyes wide open. I was allowing myself to be hurt by believing that my happiness deserves to be postponed. I was allowing myself to feel miserable by convincing myself that my dreams were not worth living NOW. I was deceiving myself, and I was paying a high price for it.

When you feel that something is not quite right, believe yourself – it is not right. We are an infinite intelligence and every cell of our body has a separate intelligence in itself. You know, your body knows that something is going to happen even before ‘you’ do, i.e. before your brain is able to process it logically. The logical processing in fact happens only at the very end, after all the facts have been presented to the brain. The brain itself is not able to understand it before the whole picture is logically laid in front of him, but you are. Relaying on your brain only will cause you to always be last in the race – you will find out things only when everything is already over. Like in a movie – you will be able to connect the dots only after the movie is already over, when the director already reveals all pieces of the puzzle to you.

In your life, you can be the director yourself, and know how the story will end even before the end of the movie. When you feel that something is not quite right, believe yourself because it is not. Our natural state is the state of bliss, pure love and joy. If at any moment we are not aligned with those feelings, something is not right. It feels like having a huge thorn in our foot. It makes us limp, loose our balance and it makes every step painful. If we do not understand what is causing all those things, if we are not able to recognize that there is a big piece of foreign matter attached to us that does not belong there, we will feel that something is not right, but it will be difficult to set ourselves free. We will try to make exercises to bring our body back to balance, we will buy more comfortable shoes. Those things will make matters momentarily better, but only when we are able to recognize the thorn, and pull it out, will we feel a total release that will restore our whole being back to balance.

If you are like me, and sometimes you have difficulties seeing a huge thorn in your foot, don’t despair, and no matter what you do, don’t give up. Keep digging, keep asking, keep checking. The truth will reveal itself to you, and you will walk tall again.

 

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Ako nešto smrdi, pokvareno je

Proživljavala sam depresivne episode već nekoliko tjedana. Navikla sam proživljavati ih s vremena na vrijeme, ali obično nisu bile tako česte. Sada već nekoliko tjedana vraćale su se svaki vikend, čim sam imala malo vremena za sebe. Dok sam bila okolo, uključena u svoje projekte i zabavljala se s prijateljima, sve je bilo dobro. Čim sam se našla sama i na kauču se suočila sa samom sobom, nije bilo dobro. Osjećala sam se samo, odbačeno i neadekvatno.

Obično znala bi što je uzrokovalo te osjećaje – konkretna situacija koja bi me povrijedila, pa bi mi trebalo malo vremena sa samom sobom da je procesuiram prije nego se vratim u svoju punu snagu. Ovaj put nije bilo tako. Okolnosti su bile teške, teška energija koja se vraćala u istom intenzitetu svaki put kad bi sjedila u toj dnevnoj sobi sama sa sobom. Sva moja destruktivna ponašanja vratila su se s njom i bilo je teško pronaći inspiraciju za sve one super stvari koje sam toliko bila uzbuđena početi prije samo par tjedana.

Govorila sam si da očito nisam još naučila (nakon svog tog vremena) kako adekvatno voljeti samu sebe u odsutnosti drugih osoba, te kako bih trebala učiniti lijepe stvari za sebe. Duboko u sebi znala sam da ta tvrdnja ne može biti potpuno točna jer ja sam običavala jako voljeti svoje trenutke samoće. Običavala sam biti uzbuđena da ću napokon imati vrijeme koje mogu posvetiti samo sebi, bez telefina i ikoga oko mene. Samo ja sama sa sobom. Običavala sam osjećati potpunu radost kad bi samo mislila da ću imati priliku uživati u takvom vremenu sa sobom. Nešto nije bilo u redu.

Prvo sam mislila da samo imam previše stvari koje se trenutno događaju i vrlo sam vjerojatno pod pritiskom. Bilo bi dobro da to jednostavno isplačem. Nakon samo nekoliko dana poslije punog vikenda u kojem sam isplakala svu dušu, ti su se osjećaji vratili. Vježbala sam, provodila vrijeme u dugim šetnjama, plesala i vježbala jogu znajući kako je fizička aktivnost odličan lijek za blokiranu energiju koju skupljamo u svom tijelu. Pomoglo je kratkoročno, ali ni to nije donijelo potpuno razrješenje. Također razrješenje nije donijelo ni vrijeme s prijateljima, vrijeme bez prijatelja, vrijeme s NJIM, dodatna meditacija, vođenje dnevnika ni ijedna druga spiritualna aktivnost koja je redovito u mom programu. Ništa nije doista smanjivalo tu bol. Jednostavno se ponovno vraćala.

Tokom svog tog vremena, ON i ja proživljavali smo težak period. Tu su bile sve te okolnosti koje su se množile samo kako bi nam stajale na putu. Ili se barem tako činilo. Bila sam rastrgana između znanja da kad nam je nešto namijenjeno, to nam dolazi glatko i vjerovanja da ako nešto stvarno želiš, trebaš se za to boriti. Ono što očito nisam shvaćala je da se u toj borbi ne bi trebala osjećati kao da se doslovno borim za svoje preživljavanje.

Toliko sam očajnički željela da uspijemo da sam se iscrpljivala gradeći kule u pijesku. Investirala sam puno prije nego sam se uvjerila da je investicija stvarno solidna. Nisam bila tretirana dobro i nalazila sam isprike za to. Odlučila sam vjerovati kad je rekao da je situacija teška sada, ali naše vrijeme će doći. Ne postoji drugo vrijeme već ono SADA. Ako nešto trenutno nije ok, to jednostavno nije ok. Znala sam to, ali sam si i dalje dopuštala da budem zavarana tim vjerovanjem pored potpuno otvorenih očiju. Dopuštala sam si da se osjećam loše uvjeravajući se da moji snovi nisu vrijedni da ih živim SADA. Obmanjivala sam se i plaćala sam visoku cijenu za to.

Kad osjećaš da nešto nije u redu, vjeruj si – jer nije u redu. Mi smo beskonačna inteligencija. Svaka stanica u našem tijelu posjeduje neovisnu inteligenciju. Tvoje tijelo zna da će se nešto dogoditi prije nego ti, tj. Prije nego je tvoj mozak sposoban to logično procesuirati. Logično procesuiranje se zapravo tek događa na samom kraju, nakon što je mozak sposoban uvidjeti sve činjenice. Mozak nije sposoban vidjeti stvari prije nego mu je predstavljena cijela slika, ali ti jesi. Ako se oslanjaš samo na vlastiti mozak uvijek si posljednji u trci – saznati ćeš istinu tek nakon što je sve već gotovo. Kao u filmu – povezati ćeš točkice tek nakon što je film već gotov i režiser je otkrio sve djeliće puzle.

U svom vlastitom životu, ti možeš biti svoj režiser i znati kako će priča završiti i prije kraja filma. Kad osjećaš da nešto nije potpuno ok, vjeruj si jer – nije. Naše prirodno stanje je stanje blaženstva, čiste ljubavi i radosti. Ako nismo u ravnini s tim osjećajima, nešto nije u redu. Osjećamo se kao da imamo veliki trn u stopalu. Čini nas da šepamo, izgubimo ravnotežu i svaki nam je korak bolan. Ako ne razumijemo što uzrokuje sve te stvari, ako nismo sposobni prepoznati da nam je u nogu zabijen veliki dio strane materije, osjećati ćemo da nešto nije u redu, ali biti će teško oslobodi se toga. Pokušati ćemo s vježbama ravnoteže, kupiti ćemo udobnije cipele. To će nam pomoći na trenutak, ali tek kad smo sposobni prepoznati trn i izvući ga, osjećati ćemo potpuno oslobođenje koje će povratiti naše cijelo biće natrag u ravnotežu.

Ako si kao ja i ponekad imaš poteškoća vidjeti veliki trn u svojem stopalu, ne očajavaj te što god radio, ne odustaj! Nastavi kopati, nastaviti propitivati, pitati i provjeravati. Istina će ti biti pokazana i ponovno ćeš hodati slobodno i ponosno.

© Photo credits: Jana Preslickova

Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓

This weekend a new wave of my old depressive thoughts have hit me once again. I have had this abandonment issue since I can remember. I fear that whoever is the object of my love will one day just disappear and will not love me anymore. If the object of my love is not around for me to see, thus make sure I can receive love right there and right now, I could just spin off into a belief that that person has gone forever and will never be back to love me again. To my subconscious mind it is hard to explain that this is not how it works – that if someone is physically not there, that person can still love me and care for me. It is not easy to explain that I have plenty of people who love me, take care of me, would do anything for me. I do not need any one person to do all those things. All those things my subconscious mind does not understand. My emotional self cannot resonate logically. It simply feels. And when HE is not around, it feels abandoned. Period.

People who have abandonment issues like I do, were babies who were left crying in their crib. Their caretakers had all the best intentions, but had no idea what they were doing. They sometimes picked up the baby after a first cry, sometimes they left the baby to cry for a longer time, and sometimes it was so long that the baby stopped crying by herself before the caretakers picked her up. Inconsistency. What this is doing to the baby is sending a message that her caretakers cannot be trusted – she doesn’t know when they will come to her rescue and if ever. How can we expect from ourselves to trust anyone when those who our lives depended on could not be trusted?

Hardest part for most people in these situations is to acknowledge that what they have experienced was a trauma. I was one of those people. It took me the longest time to accept this truth. That is the reason why it took me so long to finally start making any progress on it.

We think that how we lived our lives was normal, because ‘everyone is doing it’. The truth is, we ALL have traumas, and YES, unfortunately, everyone is doing it! When you leave your child to cry and you are not consistent in when you are going to pick it up, you are raising an insecure child. This child will have trouble trusting that people will love him/her, that they will in fact show up to do so. When you don’t teach your child how to self-soothe, you are raising a dependent child who will not be able to find solutions by herself, but will always expect you to provide some, and when you will not be able to, this child will feel abandoned. I could go on and on explaining all kind of traumas that happened to you as a child. You might feel that I am exaggerating when I say those are traumas, but the fact that you (or I) do not want to accept it, does not make it less so.

The only thing you are doing by not wanting to believe this here and now, is postponing to help yourself. The only way you will ever resolve your traumas (or any problem for that matter) is to acknowledge it. Only when you are able to see this truth, only then you are able to start doing something about it. If we keep refusing to see it, we will never resolve it. It will keep being our pattern until the end of our miserable lives on this Earth.

When I think of resolving those traumas in my life, I think of a Super Mario game. At the beginning of your life, you are there like at the beginning of the game. Three steps in, you encounter a trauma – you eat a poisonous mushroom. This poison is slowing you down and it doesn’t allow you to be as fast and as agile as you are normally, without the poison running in your veins. As you are living your life, your initial trauma gets reinforced as similar patterns of behavior are happening over and over again. You are eating a lot of poisonous mushrooms.

After so many poisonous mushrooms in your system, you are so slow and so convinced that this is your normal speed. You believe it because you see it. Maybe no one ever told you that you can be faster? Maybe no one ever told you that you are wrong? Well, I am telling you today! You are wrong because you can be faster. You would be amazed at how faster and more able you can be if you get rid of all that poison that is slowing you down! We never really loose our strength, we just slow it down by all the traumas and negativity we collect on our way. We are born to be fast, agile and able to deal with all the obstacles and dragons that stand on our way.

Are you willing to become yourself again? You would, but you don’t know how? You need to heal those traumas inside of you, one by one. This particular trauma is now so big inside of you after you have been growing it for so many years. Your system can process only a piece of this trauma at a time. You will keep getting what will seem like a same situation over and over again. What is crucial in that moment is to understand what to do. You have only two choices – to surrender or to fight. If you fight it, you will win, and you will kill a piece of it. That particular piece will never come back again. The situation will come again, but it won’t be the same. It will be weaker, every time you defeat it.

When you surrender the game, you have eaten another poisonous mushroom – you have put more poison in your system. You have reinforced the belief that you are not strong enough to win over that thing. That is a lie! You are strong, but you are not succeeding because you have unrealistic expectations from yourself. You want to kill this giant beast in one go, otherwise in your mind this thing ‘doesn’t work’. You are expecting to eradicate in one minute something you have been creating your whole life! You are powerful (and beyond your awareness), but you are not a Superman (yet)! Do what you can here and now. And keep doing so. Keep doing so. Keep doing so. If you keep going, and you keep fighting, you will eradicate it very fast! It took you as long as you are alive to create this trauma, and it can be gone in matter of months. Even if takes a year, two years, isn’t it worth it, to finally be free?

As you keep going, you understand your enemy better and you have less poison thus more strength in every next fight that comes. Every time you get better skills, more knowledge and better technique – you will kill the enemy in no time. My depression used to last weeks, months on end. This time it lasted for a single weekend. And every time, I have new tools, new methods to attack it, and every time when I choose to fight, I am a winner!

On the other hand, if you never even accept the fight, the trauma will overcome you like a huge gray cloud. It will be so dense and so big that it will never allow you to see a single ray of sunlight. Do not choose this path. You deserve a beautiful sunny life!

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Ne dopusti da te traume definiraju. Bori se!

Ovaj vikend napao me ponovo novi val mojih depresivnih misli. Imam taj strah od napuštanja otkad se sjećam za sebe. Bojim se da će, tko god je objekt moje ljubavi, jednostavno nestati i neće me više voljeti. Ako objekt moje ljubavi nije tu, ja ga ne mogu vidjeti i ne mogu dobiti tu ljubav sada i ovdje, vrlo lako počnem vjerovati da je ta osoba otišla zauvijek i neće se nikada vratiti da me ponovno voli. Mojem podsvjesnom umu teško je objasniti da stvari ne funkcioniraju na taj način – ako netko nije tu fizički, ne znači da me ne voli i nije mu stalo do mene. Nije lako objasniti da imam jako puno ljudi oko sebe koji me vole, brinu o meni, koji bi učinili sve za mene. Ne trebam tu jednu osobu koja treba učiniti sve te stvari za mene. Sve to moj podsvjesni um ne razumije. Moje emocionalno biće ne može razmišljati logično. Ono jednostavno osjeća. Kad ON nije tu, osjeća se napušteno. Točka.

Ljudi koji se suočavaju sa strahom od napuštanja kao ja, bili su bebe koje su puštene da plaču u koljevci. Njihovi su skrbnici imali najbolje namjere, ali nisu imali pojma što rade. Ponekad bi podigli bebu nakon prvog zvuka plača, ponekad bi je ostavili duže, a ponekad toliko dugo da bi beba sama prestala plakati prije nego bi je netko podigao. Nekonzistentnost. To djetetu šalje poruku da se njezinim skrbnicima ne može vjerovati – ona ne zna kada će doći da joj pomognu i hoće li ikada. Kako možemo očekivati od sebe da vjerujemo ikome ako nismo mogli vjerovati onima o kojima nam je život ovisio?

Najteži dio za mnoge u tim situacijama je shvatiti da su doživjeli traumu. Ja sam bila jedna od tih ljudi. Trebalo mi je predugo vremena da prihvatim tu istinu. To je također razlog zašto mi je trebalo toliko vremena da napokon počnem stvarati napredak na tom polju.

Mi mislimo da je normalno to kako smo živjeli i bili odgajani. Jer, ‘svi to tako rade!’ Istina je, mi SVI imamo traume, i DA, nažalost, svi to tako rade! Kad pustiš dijete da plače i nisi dosljedan oko toga kad ćeš ga podignuti, podižeš nesigurno dijete. To dijete će imati poteškoća vjerovati da će ga ljudi voljeti, da će se zapravo pojaviti kako bi to učinili. Kad ne učiš dijete kako da se samo umiri, podižeš ovisno dijete koje neće biti sposobno naći rješenja za sebe. Uvijek će očekivati da ih ti nađeš, a kad ne budeš mogao, dijete će se osjećati odbačeno. Mogla bih do sutra objašnjavati o svim traumama koje su ti se dogodile u djetinjstvu. Možeš misliti da pretjerujem kad kažem da su sve to bile trauma, ali činjenica da ti (ili ja) to ne želimo prihvatiti, ne čini istinu manje istinitom.

Jedino što radiš kad to ne želiš prihvatiti ovdje i sada je da odgađaš da si pomogneš. Jedini način na koji ćeš ikada riješiti se svojih trauma (ili bilo kakvih problema) je da ih prihvatiš kao takve. Jedino kad si sposoban vidjeti tu istinu, jedino si tada sposoban nešto učiniti po tom pitanju. Ako nastaviš odbijati vidjeti istinu, nikad je nećeš razriješiti. Nastaviti će biti tvoj obrazac ponašanja do kraja tvoj jadnog života na ovoj planeti.

Kad mislim o razrješenju tih trauma u svom životu, uvijek ih uspoređujem sa Super Mariom. Na početku života tu si kao na početku igre. Tri koraka naprijed, suočiš se s traumom – pojedeš otrovnu gljivu. Otrov te uspori i ne dopušta ti da budeš brz i okretan kao na početku, bez otrova koji teče tvojim venama. Kako odrastaš tvoja se trauma ponavlja i postaje jača kako se slični obrasci ponašanja pojavljuju u tvom životu. Jedeš mnogo otrovnih gljiva.

Nakon toliko pojedenih gljiva, toliko si spor i toliko uvjeren da je to tvoja normalna brzina. Vjeruješ to jer to vidiš. Možda ti nitko nikada nije rekao da možeš biti brži? Možda ti nitko nije rekao da si u krivu? Eto, ja ti govorim danas! U krivu si jer možeš biti brži. Biti ćeš zaprepašten kada shvatiš koliko možeš biti brži i sposobniji kad se riješiš tog otrova koji te sputava. Mi nikada zapravo ne izgubimo svoju snagu, samo smo usporeni traumama i negativnošću koju skupimo putem. Rođeni smo da budemo brzi, okretni i sposobni da jurimo kroz sve te prepreke i zmajeve koje nalazimo na putu.

Jesi li spreman ponovno postati ono što jesi? Htio bi, ali ne znaš kako? Trebaš iscijeliti traume unutar sebe, jednu po jednu. Ta trauma toliko je velika u tebi nakon što si je uzgajao cijeli svoj život. Tvoj sistem može procesuirati samo dio traume odjednom. Suočavati ćeš se s onime što će se činiti kao ista situacija ponovno i ponovno. Ono što je važno znati u tom trenutku je što učiniti. Imaš samo dva izbora – predati se ili boriti. Ako se boriš, pobijediti ćeš i ubiti ćeš dio traume. Taj specifični dio se nikad više neće pojaviti. Situacija će se ponovi, ali neće više biti ista. Biti će slabija, svaki put kad je poraziš.

Kad se predaš, pojeo si još jednu otrovnu gljivu – unosiš novi otrov u svoj metabolizam. Potvrđuješ vjerovanje da nisi dovoljno jak kako bi pobijedio. To je laž! Jak si, ali ne uspijevaš jer imaš nerealna očekivanja od sebe. Želi ubiti tu zvjer sada i odmah, inače proglašavaš kako ta tehnika ‘ne funkcionira’. Očekuješ da ćeš istrijebiti u jednoj minuti nešto što si gradio cijeli život! Jak si (i iznad onoga što možeš zamisliti), ali nisi Supermen (još)! Napravi ono što možeš sada i ovdje. I nastavi to činiti. I nastavi. I nastavi. Ako nastaviš boriti se istrijebiti ćeš je vrlo brzo! Gradio si tu trauma cijeli život, a istrijebiti je možeš u nekoliko mjeseci. Čak i ako će ti trebati godina, dvije, nije li vrijedno napokon biti slobodan?

Kako napreduješ, razumiješ bolje svog neprijatelja, imaš manje otrova u sebi stoga, više snage da u svakoj sljedećoj borbi. Svaki put imaš bolje vještine, više znanja i bolju tehniku – ubiti ćeš neprijatelja dok si rekao keks! Moja je depresija znala trajati tjednima, mjesecima. Ovaj je put trajala samo jedan vikend. Svaki put imam nove alate, nove metode kako je napasti. Svaki put kad se borim, ja sam pobjednica!

S druge strane, ako nikada ne prihvatiš borbu, trauma će te zaposjesti i progutati kao veliki sivi oblak. Biti će toliko gust da ti neće dopustiti da ikada vidiš ijednu zraku sunca. Nemoj odabrati taj put. Ti zaslužuješ prekrasan sunčan život!