Marty Lux Training & Coaching

Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓

Have you ever felt like you are being trapped inside a glass bowl that is your life? Do you feel like there must be a whole another world out there, but you can’t seem to reach it? No matter what you do, it feels like you have been swimming in circles?

I have. For most of my life.

I had dreams, like we all do. I had big dreams, and many wonderful things I wanted to achieve. I always dared to dream, but that was basically all that I managed to do with my dreams – to dream them. Daydreaming, and convincing myself that not all things are meant for all people. That is true, but OUR dreams are meant for US. Otherwise, some other people would be dreaming them.

Our dreams are meant for us. It is a gift that we have been given to dream them, but also a responsibility to go and make them happen. For most of my life I didn’t go anywhere further than my dreamland couch. I guess I was in the state of mind where I was grateful for having that couch. Absolutely, that is something to be grateful for. And a roof over our heads, and security, and food, and the basics. However, what was not right with this mindset was that I believed that this was ALL that I deserved.

How we are brought up is everything. Instructions, concepts, ideas and beliefs of our parents are imprinted in us while we are growing up. No matter what their truth is, that is what will become our truth. Even if we are not aware of it, their fears, their limiting beliefs, their powerlessness is going to become our fear, our limiting beliefs and our powerlessness.

Our parents are doing their best. Each and one of them. They are putting in their best efforts to raise us the best way they know how, and to become what they believe is best for us. Our parents want to protect us and want us to have the most amazing lives. The matter is that they are limited in their beliefs. They don’t believe things can be done and dreams can be reached. They were also never taught otherwise. They were taught that not all dreams were meant for all people, and they should be satisfied with what they have (keep it, and shut up!). Their wings were never used, they were never trained in flying, their wings are now stunted. An eagle with stunted wings is not able to learn its eaglets how to fly. He doesn’t even know he can!

Most of us were also never taught how to fly, just because we were raised in the environment which did not know of flying being possible. They did not have parents, relatives, neighbors and fellow citizens being able to fly, they might have never even seen it. In case they did see it, they perceived flying to be a characteristic of another species – richer, stronger, more successful. A characteristic of anyone, just not them.

I was also an eaglet with stunted wings. My parents never dared to dream. They didn’t have time to dream. They had jobs to do, gardens to cultivate, houses to clean, bills to pay. They had no time for the ‘nonsense’ that dreaming was. They believed that their dreams were too big, they were ‘nonsense’, and they were meant to be kept where they came from – in their imagination. So, naturally, that is what I was taought to believe, too. My parents tried their best to protect me while I was growing up. They didn’t want the ‘harsh reality of life’ to hurt me. I remember their instructions given to me: ‘Don’t be ungrateful’ (when wanting something more), ‘You wish!’, ‘We don’t have…’ (fill in the blanks with whatever resource was needed), ‘Those things happen only in movies’, and so on.

The truth is not that we didn’t have what it takes: money, opportunities, possibilities, connections, resources. We didn’t have faith, and belief that we can do it. Instead, we had fear. Loads and loads and loads of fear. Fear that we will fail, fear that we cannot achieve the things we would wish for, fear that we will loose it all, fear that we will not be secure anymore, fear that we will be ridiculed and shamed, fear that we won’t be liked and accepted, fear that we will loose love from people we cared to love us, fear that we will not be accepted under the new circumstances, fear that we will be excluded and will not belong anymore, fear that we will be left standing alone.

I was full of fears my whole life. All sorts of fears I wasn’t even aware of.  I wasn’t aware they were the reason why I am not making my dreams come true, why I wasn’t even daring to make steps in that direction. I was paralyzed in place, kept captive by my fears and limiting beliefs.  Contrary to what I was taught, it wasn’t external circumstances that were keeping me from achieving my dreams. It wasn’t my circumstances, money I didn’t have, opportunities which weren’t coming my way, talents other people had, and I didn’t. It was FEAR, only fear.

0.    Dare to dream a dream of what is that you want your life to become.

1.    Find your fears. Name them, and give them a definition.

2.    Familiarize yourself with your fears. Befriend the enemy. Get to know them, and become aware of the ways they operate.

3.    Feel your fears. Feel the way they manifest in your body. Spend time with them, get to know them well, become their best friend.

4.    Face your fears. Stand right in front of them, and take a good, deep look into their eyes. You know them, you are not strangers anymore, you see through them. And you have all the power now.

5.    Slay the dragon, that is your fear. Change your limiting beliefs. You are stronger than them, and they don’t serve you anymore. Thank them for their service, and decide not to take their advice anymore.

6.    Go do one thing right now that will bring you closer to making your dream come true.

We can never completely wipe out the fear that lives inside of us. He will always be present trying to lure us into his cave. Walk fiercely, one step after another and don’t listen to the voice of your fear. One day you will wake up realizing you are living the life of your dreams.

---

Kako nas strahovi drže zarobljenima

Jeste li se ikad osjećali kao da provodite život zarobljeni u staklenoj posudi? Osjećate li da izvan vaše posude postoji neki drugi svijet, ali se čini da ga vi ne možete dostići? Što god radili, čini se kao da plivate u krug?

Ja jesam. Većinu svog života.

Imala sam snove, kao i svi mi. Imala sam velike snove i mnogo prekrasnih stvari koje sam željela postići. Uvijek sam se usuđivala sanjati, ali to je bilo otprilike sve što sam ikad uspjela učiniti sa svojim snovima – sanjati ih. Sanjala sam i uvjeravala se da nisu sve stvari najmjenjene svim ljudima. To je istina, ali NAŠI snovi najmjenjeni su NAMA. Inače neki bi ih neki drugi ljudi sanjali.

Naši snovi namjenjeni su nama. To što ih možemo sanjati dar je koji smo dobili, no istodobno na nama je i odgovornost da ih ostvarimo. Većinu svog života ja se nisam pomakla sa svog kauča na kojem sam sanjala. Moje mentalno stanje bilo je da budem zahvalna što imam taj kauč. Apsolutno, to je nešto na čemu treba biti zahvalan. I na tome što imamo krov nad glavom, i sigurnost, i hranu i sve ono osnovno. Međutim, ono što nije bilo u redu s tim stanjem uma je bilo to što sam mislila da je to SVE što zaslužujem.

Kako smo odgajani jako je važno. Naputci, koncepti, ideje i vjerovanja naših roditelja utisnkivani su u nas dok odrastamo. Bez obyira što bila njihova istina, to će postati naša istina. Čak i ako toga nismo svjesni, njihivi strahovi, njihova ograničavajuća vjerovanja, njihova bespomoćnost postati će naši strahovi, naša ograničavajuća vjerovanja I naša bespomoćnost.

Naši roditelji čine najbolje što mogu. Svaki od njih. Oni ulažu sve svoje napore kako bi nas odgojili najbolje što mogu i kako bismo postali ono što oni vjeruju da je najbolje za nas. Naši nas roditelji žele zaštititi i žele da imamo prekrasne živote. Poteškoća je u tome što su njihova vjerovanja ograničena. Oni ne vjeruju da se stvari mogu postići i da se snovi mogu ostvariti. Njih također nikad nitko nije naučio drugačije. Oni su naučeni da nisus vi snovi namjenjeni svim ljudima, da trebaju biti zadovoljni onim što imaju (držati to i tišina!). Njihova krila nisu nikad bila korištena, oni nisu učili kako letjeti, njihova su krila danas zakržljala. Orao sa zakržljalim krilima ne može naučiti svoje potomke kako letjeti. On ni ne zna da to može!

Većina nas nije nikad naučila kako letjeti jer smo odrasli u okolini koja nije znala da je letjeti moguće. Oni nisu imali roditelje, rođake, susjede i građane oko njih koji su bili sposobni letjeti, moguće je da nisu nikad ni vidjeli let. U slučaju da su ga i vidjeli, vjerovali su da je letjenje karakteristika neke surge živuće vrste – bogatije, jače, uspješnije. Karakteristika bilo koga, samo ne njih.

I ja sam bila orao zakržljalih krila. Moji se roditelji nisu usuđivali sanjati. Oni nisu imali vremena sanjati. Oni su imali poslove koje je trebalo odraditi, vrtove obraditi, kuće počistiti, račune platiti. Oni su vjerovali da su njihovi snovi preveliki, da su to gluposti i da je snovima mjesto tamo odakle su i došli – u mašti. Tako da, prirodno, to je bilo ono što sam ja naučila vjerovati. Moji su roditelji činili najbolej napore da me zaštite dok sam odrastala. Nisu htjeli da me ‘surova realnost života’ povrijedi. Sjećam se njihovih naputaka: ‘Ne budi nezahvalna!’ (kad sam željela nešto više), ‘Mo’š mislit’!’, ‘Za to nemamo …….’ (popuniti bilo kojim resursom koji je bio potreban u tom trenutku), ‘Te se stvari događaju samo na filmovima’, itd.

Istina nije da nemamo ono što je potrebno: novac, prilike, mogućnosti, veze, resurse. Ono što nemamo je vjera i uvjerenje da to možemo postići. Umjesto toga mi imamo strahove. Mnogo mnogo strahova. Strah da nećemo uspjeti, strah da ne možemo postići ono što želimo, strah da ćemo sve izgubiti, strah da nećemo više biti sigurni, strah da ćemo biti ismijani i posramljeni, strah da nećemo biti prihvaćeni i da se nećemo više sviđati drugima, strah da ćemo izgubiti ljubav od ljudi do kojih nam je stalo da nas vole i odobravaju, strah da ćemo biti izopćeni i da više nećemo pripadati, strah da će nas ostaviti same.

Ja sam bila puna strahova cijeli svoj život. Puna raznih vrsta strahova kojih nisam ni bila svjesna. Nisam bila svjesna da su oni bili razlog zašto nisam ostvarivala svoje snove, zašto se nisam ni usuđivala napraviti korak u njihovom smjeru. Bila sam paralizirana u mjestu, moji su me strahovi I ograničavajuća vjerovanja držali zarobljenom. Suprotno onome što su me učili, vanjski faktori nisu bili ti koji su me sprječavali. Nisu to bile moje okolnosti, novac koji nisam imala, prilike koje mi nisu dolazila ususret, talenti koje su drugi imali, a ja nisam. Bio je to STRAH, samo strah.

0.    Usudi se sanjati san koji želiš da postane tvoja stvarnost

1.    Nađi svoje strahove. Imenuj ih i definiraj.

2.    Upoznaj se sa svojim strahovima. Sprijatelji se s neprijateljem. Postani svjestan načina na koji funkcioniraju.

3.    Osjeti svoje strahove. Osjeti kako se manifestiraju u tvom tijelu. Provedi vrijeme s njima, dobro ih upoznaj, postani im najbolji prijatelj.

4.    Suoči se sa svojim strahovima. Stani lice u lice s njima I dobro ih pogledaj u oči. Poznaješ ih, oni više nisu stranci, ti vidiš kroz njih. Sva je moć u tvojim rukama.

5.    Pobjedi zmaja (svoj strah). Promjeni svoja ograničavajuća uvjerenja. Ti si jači od njih. Oni ti više ne služe. Zahvali im za sve što su za tebe učinili i odluči da više nećeš slijediti njihove savjete.

6.    Učini odmah danas jednu stvar koja će te dovesti bliže ostvarenju tvojeg sna.

Nikad ne možemo potpuno iskorijeniti strah koji živi u nama. On će uvijek bit prisutan i pokušavati nas izmamiti u svoju pećinu. Samo hrabro koračaj, korak za korakom i ne obaziri se na svoj strah. Jednog ćeš se dana probuditi živeći život svojih snova.

Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓

I remember being six years old and attending kindergarten (a pre-school program in Croatia). I hated kindergarten. I didn’t like mean girls, and I didn’t understand its purpose. It seemed like a waste of time. Nothing of my interest was going on there. I was dreaming of the day when I will start going to school. Things will be different there, I thought. Of course, I had no idea why that was, and why was I so desperately wanting to go to school. On weekends in the morning I used to take a backpack, stuff it with coloring books and a doll, and I used to proudly walk  up and down the street from our house pretending I was going to school. I couldn’t wait for it to become reality.

School was the highest achievement institution in the eyes of my parents, and the community I grew up in. School achievements were how worth was defined, they were worthy of praise and rewards. People with higher education were respected in society, they had people’s admiration and respect. Including my parents’.

At six years old, I was desperate for my parent’s attention and love. I didn’t know that back then, but I was not getting nearly enough of it. So, I had to find a way to gain some for myself. That is how any addiction happens – our subconsciousness is desperately searching for love, admiration, and appreciation we were not getting from our primary caretakers while growing up, so we resort to other things – anything that can get us there, or so we feel that is getting us there.

My weapon of choice was school. School was where I put all my attention since, as you saw, even before I started attending it. My parents’ guidance growing up was centered around school and my success through it: ‘Do you want to dig dirt for a living?’,‘Just be good in school, that’s all that matters’, ‘It is important to have good grades should you wish to amount to anything in life’. It was obvious that success in school was required should I wish to succeed. At life, as they said, or at survival as a child desperate for love, as I later discovered.

My father was not present much while I was growing up. Only words coming from him that stayed engraved in my mind were the ones where he says that having education is the most important thing, ‘that is the only guaranteed success for my future’. A child cannot really perceive what ‘success in life’ is and why would that be important. A child does not understand what it has to do with her life right now, when she is only ten. What a child hears and feels from this sentence is that her daddy is going to love, praise and respect her if she succeeds in school.

So, she did. Like a good girl she is. Like a good girl desperate for love and acknowledgment of her absent father. It’s all she did, attended schools, diploma programs, workshops, courses. She went on, and on, and on. It seemed like a Pokemon game – Gotta catch ‘em all! I remember being twenty-five and studying for my second master’s degree in the Netherlands. My father coming to me and saying ‘Good God, girl, when is that you are planning to stop studying, I would like to retire!?’.

After that degree I did stop studying on my father’s expense, but that was still not the end of it for me. I continued searching for stipends to study when I did not have my income, and later while earing my own money, spending that on further studies, courses, workshops.

It was only couple of months ago, at the age 31 that I first time asked myself ‘Why am I doing this?’. Why do I need that? Why do I so desperately want all these certificates? Don’t I have enough already? There seemed to be always something more where I can improve, a new course I could take, more I could learn. I was proud of myself for doing that, I thought of myself as a high achiever, which was something to admire and be proud of.

Sure, from the surface of things. By digging deeper into questioning the matter, for the first time I noticed that this behavior was hurting me. I was hurting myself in the name of achievement. I was not enjoying the journey I was taking. I was not enjoying going to these courses, I did not enjoy spending my evenings and weekends doing the hard work, studying, reading, re-reading, writing and re-writing. I sacrificed myself for the end-result – the achievement itself.

I did not like the harsh truth that slapped me in the face: I am an addict. An achievement addict. Inside of me there was still that little Martina desperately trying to get her parents’ love and recognition. She didn’t realize she grew up, and is not dependent on her parents’ care no longer. She doesn’t need to prove herself to anyone anymore.  The achievement habit was so engraved into her, that it seemed to be a part of her DNA, something that defines who she is. Truth is, these patterns are not what defines us. It is a desperate scream for attention. We keep repeating it, and repeating it and repeating it in hope to finally give to that deprived child the love and care he or she deserves.

I was an addict in desperate pursuit of attention. I was an addict like so many others out there who have no idea at this moment that they are abusing and poisoning themselves with their addiction. Just because we did not choose drugs, cigarettes, gambling and other things labeled by our society as ‘negative’, we think we are doing the right thing. However, just like a heroin addict, we hate all those moments in absence of a ‘reward’, that achievement, that shot. Just like a nicotine addict, we don’t seem to be able to stop. Just like an alcohol abuser, we see that our weapon of choice is well accepted in society and just because it is widespread, we are convincing ourselves that there is nothing wrong with it. In reality, your desperate rat race for achievements owns you, its controls you, and you are its slave. Just like that one last shoot of heroin, your addiction will kill you. It will kill your joy, freedom, and healthy happy life that you might have had.

‘I wish I had slaved-away for one more diploma’, said no one ever on their deathbed.

---

Ovisnost o postignućima

Sjećam se sebe sa šest godina dok sam polazila vrtić. Mrzila sam vrtić. Nisu mi se svidjele zle curice i nisam razumijela svrhu polaženja vrtića. Ništa što bi me zanimalo nije se tamo događalo. Sanjala sam o danu kad ću krenuti u školu. Stvari će biti drugačije tamo, mislila sam. Naravno, nisam tada znala zašto je to tako i zašto sam tako strašno željela krenuti u školu. Vikendima ujutro uzela bi ruksak, napunila ga bojankama i lutkom i hodala bi ponosno našom ulicom gore-dolje praveći se da idem u školu. Nisam mogla dočekati dan kad će to postati moja stvarnost. 

Škola je bila najveća institucija uspjeha u očima mojih roditelja i u zajednici u kojoj sam odrasla. Školski uspjesi bili su mjera kojom se definirala vrijednost. Školski uspjesi zavrijeđivali su pohvale i nagrade. Visoko obrazovani ljudi bili su poštovani u društvu, zavrjeđivali su divljenje i poštovanje od drugih ljudi. Uključujući moje roditelje. 

Sa šest godina očajnički sam trebala ljubav i pažnju svojih roditelja. Nisam to tada znala, ali činjanica je – nisam je dobivala ni približno dovoljno. Trebala sam naći način da je pridobijem za sebe. To je način na koji se rađa bilo koja ovisnost – naša podsvijest očajnički traži ljubav, divljenje i poštovanje koje nam nedostaje, ono koje nismo dobili od svojih primarnih staratelja. Stoga se predajemo drugim rješenjima – bilo čemu što će nas dovesti tamo, ili mi mislimo da nas dovodi tamo.

Oružje koje sam ja odabrala bila je škola. Škola je bila ono gdje sam ja usmjeravala svoju pažnju, kao što ste vidjeli, još prije nego sam uopće krenula pohađati je. Instrukcije mojih roditelja dok sam odrastala bile su usredotočene na školu i moj školski uspjeh: ‘Želiš kopati kanale kad odrasteš?’, ‘Samo budi dobra u školi, to je ono što je važno’, ‘Važno je imati dobre ocjene želiš li išta postići u životu’. Bilo je očito da je uspjeh u školi bio potreban kako bih uspjela. U životu – kako su oni govorili, ili u preživljavanju kao dijete željno ljubavi – kako sam ja kasnije spoznala.

Moj otac je dio dosta odsutan dok sam odrastala. Jedine riječi kojih se sjećam bile su one gdje kaže kako je obrazovanje najvažnija stvar, ‘To je jedini način kako možeš zagarantirati uspijeh u budućnosti’. Dijete ne može razumijeti što znači ‘uspijeh u životu’ ni zašto bi to bilo važno. Dijete ne razumije kakve to veze ima s njezinim životom sada, kad ona ima deset godina. Što dijete čuje i osjeća je da će je njezin tatica voljeti, pohvaliti i poštovati ako uspije u školi.

I ona je poslušala. Kao dobra curica. Kao dobra curica potrebna ljubavi i potvrde svog odsutnog oca. To je sve čime se bavila, pohađala škole, diplomske programe, radionice, tečajeve. Jednog, drugog, trećeg… Činilo se kao u igri Pokemon – moraš skupit’ sve! Sjećam se kad mi je bilo dvadeset pet tokom drugog magisterija u Nizozemskoj. Moj otac u jednom trenutku rekao je: ‘ Pa dobro, kćeri, do kad misliš studirati, ja bih napokon želio u zasluženu mirovinu!?’.

Nakon te diplome prestala sam studirati na očev trošak, ali tu nije bio kraj studiranju za mene. Dok sam bila nezaposlena tražila sam stipendije za tečajeve i radionice, a kad sam počela zarađivati, svoj sam novac trošila da nastavim studirati, učiti, pohađati tečajeve.

Tek sam se prije nekoliko mjeseci, u 31.-oj godini zapitala: ‘Zašto to radim?’. Zašto mi to treba? Zašto toliko očajnički želim sve te certifikate? Nemam li ih već dovoljno? Uvijek je postojalo nešto gdje bih se mogla usavršiti, novi tečaj koji bih mogla pohađati, nešto više što bih mogla naučiti. Bila sam ponosna na sebe što sam to činila, mislila sam o sebi kao o uspješnoj osobi. To je bilo nešto vrijedno divljenja, nešto na što čovjek može biti ponosan.

Svakako, s površine se tako čini. Ispitujući dublje ovu situaciju, prvi sam put primjetila da me to ponašanje povrijeđivalo. Ja sam samu sebe povrijeđivala u ime postignuća. Nisam uživala u tom procesu kojem sam se podvrgavala. Nisam uživala u pohađanju tih tečajeva, nisam bila sretna provodeći večeri i vikende naporno radeći, učeći, pišući i prepisujući. Žrtvovala sam se za krajnji rezultat – postignuće koje je taj proces donosio.

Nije mi se svidjela surova istina koja me ošamarila: ja sam ovisnik. Ovisnik o postignućima. Unutar mene ona mala Martina i dalje je pokušavala osvojiti ljubav i priznanje svojih roditelja. Ona nije shvatila da je odrasla i nije više ovisna o brizi svojih roditelja. Navika trčanja za postignućima bila je tako duboko ukorijenjena u njoj, činilo se da je dio njezinog genetskog koda, nešto što ju je definiralo kao osobu. Međutim, istina je, ti obrasci ponašanja nisu ono što nas definira. Oni su očajnički urlik za pažnjom. Ponavljamo ih, ponavljamo i ponavljamo u nadi da ćemo napokon tom uskraćenom djetetu dati ljubav i pažnju koju zaslužuje.

Bila sam ovisnik u očajničkoj potrazi za pažnjom. Bila sam ovisnik poput toliko drugih koji u ovom trenutku nisu svjesni da se uzurpiraju i truju svojom ovisnošću. Samo zato što nismo odabrali drogu, cigarete, kockanje i ostalo što je etiketirano u našem društvu kao štetno, mislimo da činimo dobru stvar za sebe. Međutim, kao i ovisnik o heroinu, mi mrzimo sve one trenutke u odsutnosti naše nagrade, tog postignuća, tog šuta. Kao i ovisnik o nikotinu, ne čini se da možemo prestati. Kao i ovisnik o alkoholu, naša je droga prihvaćena u društvu i samo zato što je svuda oko nas, mi se uvjeravamo da nema ništa lošeg u našem ponašanju. U stvarnosti, ti si kao hrčak u svom malom valjku, tvoja trka za postignućima te posjeduje, kontrolira i čini te njezinim robom. Kao i onaj posljednji šut heroina, i tvoja će te ovisnost ubiti. Ubiti će radost u tebi, slobodu i zdrav, sretan život koji si mogao imati.

‘Željela bih da sam se pomučila za još jednu diplomu’, nije na samrti nitko nikada rekao.