Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓
I always thought I was doing pretty great in life. People were admiring me firstly for my grades, then awards, and later for professional success. What more one can want, you are wondering? Well, I felt the same way. People were respecting me, I thought, they saw my success, and they seemed to like many things about me: my style, determination, perseverance and ability to reach career goals.
My primary field of study are social studies. Already during my bachelor studies in Croatia, I started being involved with training and education. I was giving workshops at the university, for a local NGO, and finally in 2011, I joined a national agency where I started regularly working as a trainer on youth programmes. In 2012 I moved to Luxembourg, but I never stopped my career as a trainer. I continued expanding it through cooperation with NGOs, and NGO networks, where I had additional engagements as a trainer and author.
While living in Luxembourg, I would do these things in my time off work – during the weekends if it was a computer job, or during my vacation days and non-paid leave if it was an on-site training.
In Luxembourg by day I was a business woman building a successful career in corporate services. My life were business meetings, lunches with clients and important phone calls to banks and agents all over the world.
In November 2017. through some miracles that I might explain on another occasion, I got invited to hold my first conference in Luxembourg. As it was a self-organized event, my organization team and I armed-up and combined all our efforts to advertise the event among the general public, but, of course, we were aware, the strongest supporters would be our friends and acquaintances. During one of our preparation sessions, I was talking with one of the organizers about my career and how I should be presented to the public at the conference.
While I was describing myself to the organizer, I was imagining her presenting me in this way to the audience. I was seeing my friends sitting in the audience, and I was wondering what will they be thinking about me at this moment. I realized it will surely be a shock to them to even receive an invitation for the conference from me. Because see, possibly none of my Luxembourgish friends knew about my career as a trainer!
At that point I knew most of these people for four – five years, and we were hanging out regularly. I never tried to ask them to say anything about my life to anyone else, but I am pretty sure all they would know would be facts about my corporate career. I am pretty sure none of them, possibly not a single person would be able to tell you about the part of my life which is me being a trainer.
When I came home that evening after our preparatory meeting, I spent a really long time thinking about this. How much do people really know me? My friends, my family, colleagues…? I took a really long time thinking about this. I went one by one over the list of my friends, and family members and asked myself about certain facts of my life, and their knowledge of it.
How much do they know me? What are my deepest passions? What am I really searching for in this life? Where do I see myself in 5 years? What are my deepest fears, and why? What am I dreaming to be, do and have in life? I was surprised and devastated to find out the answers. I found that most of the people who I share my life with would have a hard time knowing answers to these questions.
Now you might think: Martina, my dear, you really had some shitty friends. Shitty friends, you say… Was that it, did I have shitty friends?
I will have to disappoint you, and myself. I had the best friends out there. The reason why they didn’t know anything about me was because I wasn’t sharing. I was keeping myself safe in my own bubble, wrapped in my success, and thought that connection with others can be achieved by admiration. When I turned around myself, and evaluated the quality of my intimate relationships with people, I ended up being pretty disappointed. I wanted to have deep relationships with people, and for years I thought that was what I was doing. How then was it possible that most of my closest friends didn’t know half of what I was doing with my life? How was it possible they knew nothing about the thing that was my passion for over 8 years now!?
I simply wasn’t sharing. I didn’t allow anyone to see deeper inside of me. I didn’t allow people to really know me. You reap only what you sow. I wasn’t sowing full acceptance of myself. I guess I didn’t even really know what is exactly that I should be sowing. Who was I? One thing is for sure, I definitely wasn’t someone living their own truth. So, I decided to change that.
Therefore, my friends, and those who are yet to become that, here is me opening myself up to you, possibly for the first time in MY life. Take a good look, there might be many things that might surprise you. Perhaps, even shock you. If so, I am glad. At least you will react, and feel there is something inside of you, possibly for the first time in YOUR life!
Welcome aboard this journey of #LivingYourTruth. I am thrilled to have you here.
Zašto ovaj blog?
Uvijek sam mislila da mi ide jako dobro u životu. Ljudi su mi se divili najprije zbog mojih ocjena, pa nagrada, a kasnije radi profesionalnog uspjeha. Što više čovjek može poželjeti, pitate se? I ja sam tako osjećala! Ljudi su me poštovali, mislila sam, zapažali su moj uspjeh i činilo se da im se sviđa mnogo toga na meni: moj stil, odlučnost, upornost te sposobnost da postižem ciljeve.
Moje primarno područje obrazovanja su socijalni studiji. Još tokom bakalaureata u Hrvatskoj počela sam se angažirati u području treninga i edukacije. Držala sam radionice na faksu, za lokalnu udrugu, i napokon 2011-te pridružila sam se jednoj nacionalnoj agenciji gdje sam redovito bila angažirana u svojstvu trenera na programima za mlade. 2012-te preselila sam u Luksemburg, ali to nije značilo prekid moje trenerske karijere.
Živeći u Luksemburgu nastavila sam karijeru u tom području. Poslove koji su zahtjevali rad na kompjuteru radila bi vikendima, a za odlazak na treninge koristila bi neplaćeni dopust i dane godišnjeg odmora.
U Luksemburgu tokom dana vodila sam život poslovne žene gradeći karijeru u biznis svijetu. Moj život su bili sastanci, ručkovi s klijentima i pozivi bankarima i agentima širom svijeta.
U studenom 2017-te nekim čudnim vezama, koje ću možebitno objasniti kojom drugom prilikom, pozvana sam da održim svoju prvu konferenciju u Luksemburgu. Kako je to bila konferencija u vlastitoj organizaciji, iako smo skupili sve snage da ju promoviramo široj publici, moj tim i ja znali smo da će najjača podrška doći od strane naših prijatelja i poznanika. Tokom jednog od pripremnih sastanaka, s organizatoricom sam razgovarala o svojoj karijeri i o tome kako bih trebala biti predstavljena na konferenciji.
Dok sam se predstavljala organizatorici, zamišljala sam kako će ona iste te riječi prezentirati publici na konferenciji. U toj viziji vidjela sam svoje prijatelje kako me gledaju iz publike i pitala sam se što li će oni misliti o meni u tom trenutku. Shvatila sam da će njihov šok uslijediti vjerojatno već prilikom primitka pozivnice za tu onferenciju. Zato što, vidite, moguće ni jedan od mojih prijatelja iz Luksemburga nije znao za moju trenersku karijeru!
U tom trenutku većinu tih ljudi znala sam četiri – pet godina i redovito sam se s njima družila. Nisam ih nikad pitala da kažu nekom drugom nešto o mom životu, ali poprilično sam sigurna da kad bi došli u tu situaciju jedino što bi znali je reći činjenice o mojoj business karijeri. Poprilično sam sigurna da ni jedno od njih, moguće ni jedna jedina osoba nebi bila sposobna reći mnogo o mojoj karijeri trenerice.
To večer kad sam došla kući nakon našeg pripremnog sastanka, provela sam vrlo dugo vremena razmišljajući o ovim stvarima. Koliko me doista ljudi poznaju? Moji prijatelji, moja obitelj, kolege…? Provela sam stvarno puno vremena razmišljajući o tome. U svojoj sam glavi pročešljala svakog prijatelja i člana obitelji i pitala sam se koliko ta osoba zna činjenica o mom životu.
Koliko me dobro poznaju? Koje su moje najdublje strasti? Što ja zapravo tražim u ovom životu? Gdje se vidim za 5 godina? Koji su moji najdublji strahovi i zašto? Što sanjam da budem, radim i imam u životu? Bila sam iznenađena i skrhana kad sam se suočila sa svojim odgovorima. Većini ljudi s kojima dijelim svoj život bilo bi teško odgovoriti na ova pitanja.
Sad bi mogli pomisliti: Martina, draga, stvarno si imala usrane prijatelje. Usrane prijatelje, kažeš… Je li to to, jesam li stvarno imala usrane prijatelje?
Morat ću vas razočarati. I sebe. Imala sam najbolje prijatelje koji postoje. Razlog zašto nisu znali ništa o meni je u tome da ja nisam ništa dijelila. Držala sam se zaštićeno u svojem vlastitom balonu, omotana svojim uspjesima, misleći da je za pravu povezanost dovoljno divljenje. Kad sam se okrenula oko sebe i oko svog života ocjenjujući intimnu povezanost s drugima, bila sam vrlo razočarana. Uvijek mi je bilo važno imati istinsku povezanost s ljudima oko sebe, i godinama sam bila uvjerena da sam upravo to i činila. Kako je onda moguće da većina mojih bliskih prijatelja nije znala što sam radila s polovicom svog života? Kako je moguće da nisu znali ništa o nečemu što je moja strast već punih 8 godina?
Ja jednostavno nisam dijelila. Nisam dopustila nikome da vidi dublje ono što ja jesam iznutra. Nisam dopustila ljudima da me stvarno upoznaju. Žanješ samo ono što posiješ, kažu naši stari. Ja nisam sijala potpuno prihvaćanje same sebe. Pretpostavljam da nisam ni znala što bi zapravo trebala saditi. Tko sam ja? Jedna je stvar sigurna, nisam bila netko tko živi svoju vlastitu istinu. Stoga, odlučila sam to promjeniti.
Iz svih gore navedenih razloga (i još mnogih drugih), dragi prijatelji, i oni koji ćete to tek postati, ovdje vam se otvaram, moguće po prvi put u MOM životu. Obratite pažnju, ovdje biste mogli pronaći mnogo stvari koje će vas iznenaditi. Možda i šokorati. Ako bude tako, bit će mi drago. Barem ćete reagirati, barem ćete osjetiti nešto unutar sebe. Moguće, po prvi put u VAŠEM životu.
Dobrodošli na put življenja vlastite istine (#LiveYourTruth). Presretna sam što vas imam uz sebe.