Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓
My best friend who knows me since we were nine talked to me the other day about my blog and social media posts. She was surprised to read that I ever had periods of depression, lower moods, times when I was feeling inadequate, empty or lost. She said that all those years since she knew me, I never expressed anything like that to her and I never seemed that I could experience such situations.
The reason for that was that I myself did not really acknowledge those moments. According to me, feeling happy and joyful was ‘who I was’. This was my ‘normal’ mood. Whenever I would experience anything opposite of that, I didn’t feel as if it was part of me. I did anything necessary for that to ‘go away’, so I can return to me being ‘myself’ again. I would hamster up into my cocoon, and I wouldn’t want to see anyone. I would isolate and feel low by myself. I didn’t want anyone to see me ‘like that’ because I wasn’t ‘a good company’, I had something to ‘deal with’ first, before I can show myself to the world again. I didn’t want to show to anyone who I really was, and what I was really feeling.
But, how could I? I couldn’t accept it myself, either. I was feeling as if those lower moods were not a part of me, I felt as if they were ‘the intruder’ who came to disturb my otherwise perfectly happy and pink life. I thought the right thing to do with ‘them’ is to take time to ‘deal with’ them, and do whatever it takes to exterminate them, so I can go back to being ‘my normal’ self again as soon as possible. I was feeling irritated because they showed up ‘at this very moment’, when it was, in fact, inconvenient for me. I had things to do, important meetings to attend, events to organize, stuff to take care of. I had million more important things to do but to give the time and attention to myself. I was a master of avoiding myself.
It never even crossed my mind the idea that also those moods were a part of me, also those moments were ‘my normal self’. Everything that I am experiencing in my life is in fact ME. There is no one else. There is no ‘other’ to who this depression belongs to, there is no ‘devil’, the king of lower moods who in fact owns them instead of me, and just decided to send some my way today, that bastard! It is a scary thought to realize: there is no one but me. I am my depression equally as being my chirpy self. I am the blanket hamster, just as I am a jumping puppy. I am all of it, and I either accept it, or I don’t.
The trouble with not wanting to accept it is that you really suffer while this is happening. When those lower moods hit you, they hit you really hard. You are fighting them with all your power, you are negotiating with God (or whatever you believe in) to take them away from you, you go on rants and ask the universe ‘How did I deserve that? Why me?’, you are trying to figure out ‘Why is this happening?’. The physical pain inside of you is so strong, you feel powerless over it, you don’t know what to do with it. You just want it to go away. You want it to go away so badly, that you even pray to God, and you never ever pray! He must be mistaken, you are the wrong person to receive it. God is a very busy creature taking care of seven million people on this planet only. It is not so unusual, that He gets confused!
You sound that ridiculous, and you don’t even know it. You are there deadly serious trying to explain to the universe that ‘this’, whatever is happening does not belong to you. And there, while you wait for God to correct his mistake, you might just realize that there in fact was no mistake. Or there is no God? Many people at this point will rather decide that there is no God, because that is in fact much easier. To blame it on someone else who didn’t do their job is always much easier than taking an honest, good look at yourself.
I don’t blame you. I was doing so for far too long. I know the following news will not surprise you: it did not help. In fact that God (which doesn’t exist) would next time bring me an even bigger depression, an even more desperate situation, and during the days of an even more ‘important’ project. He would amplify the message, to push me once again to take a look into myself, to realize what was in fact going on inside of me. For far too long, I was rejecting it, I was rejecting the message, I was rejecting the help, I was rejecting the idea that these lower moods even exist! I simply didn’t want to accept them. This is like when you are a child and you cover your eyes and you think that nobody sees you anymore and you don’t exist. You think that if you close your eyes in front of your own reality, that it will make it go away. Surprise, surprise: it doesn’t!
What does help is accepting it. Taking a good look into it, and simply accepting it exists, it is a part of you. A part with equal rights. It paid the rent, and it has all the right to live in this space just as your other parts do. It is not here for you to exterminate it, to medicate it, to operate it out of your system. It is here for you to see it, maybe for the first time in your life, and to acknowledge it, to give it credit. It is here so you could explore it, you could see where it comes from, how it feels and what is trying to tell you. Is it inviting you to slow down, and give yourself more rest? Is it trying to tell you to fulfill your life? To find your passions, activities and dedications that tingle your core? Is it trying to make you aware that for far too long you were neglecting yourself, and it is time to get your life back into your hands? It will be different for everyone, you are to find out what the truth is for you. No matter what it is, our feelings come with a message. It is up to you whether you want to see it, accept it and use it to NURTURE yourself back to health.
Or you want to continue rejecting it, and FORCE back your health, DEMAND its obedience with a shotgun. What I am saying is bullshit, you have no time to NURTURE yourself. You have a job to go to, children and a husband to take care of, a career to run. You have everything that is more important than yourself, than giving love and attention that your body, mind and soul is so desperately screaming for. You will take a pill, MEDICATE yourself back to health fast, you have no time for this crap!
It’s not a problem. You are just not ready to accept the truth. The situation will come back again, don’t worry. There will be so many more opportunities for you to experiment until you find the right medicine. You might surprise yourself one day, just like I did, when I found out that by far the most effective MEDICINE for any suffering and pain is LOVE. LOVE TOWARDS YOURSELF and your own present needs. Try it next time those lower moods hit. There is nothing you can loose. There is always that PILL you can take in case that what I am saying is just a big bunch of crap.
Prepišite si ljubav, na recept
Moja najbolja prijateljica koja me zna otkad smo imale devet godina pitala me neki dan o mom blogu i objavama na socijalnim mrežama. Bila je iznenađena kad je pročitala da sam prolazila kroz periode depresije, lošeg raspoloženja, da sam se osjećala neadekvatno, prazno i izgubljeno. Rekla je kako sve ove godine otkad me zna, ja nikad nisam izrazila takvo nešto i nikad se nisam činila da bih mogla prolaziti kroz takve situacije.
Razlog tome bio je da ni ja sama nisam priznavala da se ti trenutci meni događaju. Po mom mišljenju osjećati se sretno i zadovoljno bilo je ono ‘što ja jesam’. To je bilo moje ‘normalno’ stanje. Kad god bih iskusila nešto suprotno od toga, nisam osjećala da je to dio mene. Radila sam što god sam mislila da je potrebno da to ‘ode’ kako bih ja ponovno mogla biti ‘ja’. Sklupčala bih se u svoju čahuru i nisam htjela vidjeti nikoga. Izolirala bih se i osjećala loše sama sa sobom. Nisam htjela da me ‘takvu’ nitko vidi jer ‘nisam bila dobro društvo’, morala sam nešto ‘riješiti’ prije nego bih se ponovno mogla pokazati svijetu. Nisam željela nikome pokazati tko sam doista i što sam zaista osjećala.
No, kako sam i mogla? Nisam to ni sama željela prihvatiti. Osjećala sam da ta loša raspoloženja nisu dio mene, osjećala sam da su ona ‘nametnik’ koji je došao uzurpirati moj inače sretan, ružičasti život. Mislila sam je je ono što s ‘njima’ treba činiti je da ih ‘riješim’, da učinim što god je potrebno da ih istrijebim kako bih se mogla što prije vratiti svojoj ‘normalnoj’ sebi. Bila sam iziritirana što su se ta raspoloženja pojavila ‘baš sada’ kad meni to nije odgovaralo. Imala sam posla, važne sastanke na kojima trebam sudjelovati, događaje organizirati, stvari obaviti. Imala sam milijun stvari koje su bile važnije od pažnje i vremena koje sam trebala posvetiti sebi. Bila sam stručnjak u izbjegavanju sebe.
Nikad nisam ni pomislila da su možda i te negativne emocije dio mene, da su i ti trenutci ‘moje normalno ja’. Sve što doživljavam u životu je zapravo moje JA. Ne postoji nitko drugi. Ne postoji ‘drugi’ kome bi ta depresija pripadala, ne postoji ‘vrag’, kralj negativnih emocija koji ih zapravo posjeduje umjesto mene i koji ih je baš danas odlučio poslati meni. Idiot! Strašna je to spoznaja: ne postoji nitko doli ja. Ja sam svoja depresija jednako kao i svoja vrckavost. Ja sam hrčak iz čahure jednako kao i veseli štenac. Ja sam sve to. Mogu to ili prihvatiti ili ne.
Ukoliko to ne želiš prihvatiti, problem je da stvarno patiš dok se to dešava. Kad te te negativne emocije pogode, baš te pogode! Boriš se s njima svom svojom snagom, pregovaraš s Bogom (ili u što god da vjeruješ) da to prestane. Opališ žalopojke pitajući svemir ‘Kako sam to zaslužila? Zašto ja?’, pokušavaš shvatiti ‘Zašto se ovo dešava?’. Fizička bol u tebi je tako jaka, osjećaš se nomoćnim pred njom, ne znaš što učiniti s njom. Samo želiš da prestane. Toliko jako želiš da ode, da se čak i moliš Bogu, a nikad se ne moliš! Mora da se zabunio, Bog, to što je poslao, poslao je krivoj osobi. Ti nisi ta. Bog je jako zauzet brinući o sedam milijuna ljudi samo na ovoj planeti. Nije to toliko neuobičajeno, da se Bog zabuni!
Doslovno tako smiješno zvučiš, a nisi toga ni svjestan. Smrtno ozbiljan pokušavaš objasniti svemiru da ‘ovo’, što god se događa ne pripada tebi. I tako dok čekaš da Bog ispravi svoju pogrešku, moguće je da shvatiš da zapravo greške nema. Ili da nema Boga? Mnogo ljudi će u ovom trenutku radije zaključiti da nema Boga jer kriviti nekoga tko nije odradio svoj posao je puno lakše nego stvarno dobro pogledati u sebe.
Ja te ne krivim. I ja sam to radila i predugo. Znam da te sljedeće vijesti neće iznenaditi: nije mi pomoglo. U stvari taj Bog (koji ne postoji) bi me sljedeći put doveo u još veće depresivno stanje, u još očajniju situaciju, usred još važnijeg projekta. Pojačao bi poruku ne bi li me još jednom natjerao da pogledam u sebe, da shvatim što se zapravo događa iznutra. Predugo sam to odbijala, tu poruku, tu pomoć, ideju da te negativne emocije uopće postoje! Jednostavno to nisam željela prihvatiti. To je kao kad si dijete pa pokriješ oči rukama misleći da te nitko ne vidi i da sada ne postojiš. Misliš da ako zatvoriš oči pred svojom stvarnošću, ona će nestati. Iznenađenje: neće!
Ono što pomaže je prihvaćanje. Dobro pogledati situaciju, prihvatiti da ona postoji i da je dio tebe. Dio s jednakim pravima. Platila je stanarinu i ima pravo živjeti u ovom prostoru kao i ostali dijelovi tebe. Nije tu kako bi ju ti što brže uništio, umrtvio tabletama, kirurški ju odstranio iz svog sistema. Tu je kako bi ju vidio, možda po prvi put u svom životu, priznao i dao joj pažnju. Tu je kako bi ju mogao istražiti, vidjeti odakle dolazi i zašto, istražiti što osjećaš i što ti želi reći. Poziva li te da usporiš i više odmaraš? Pokušava li ti reći da si ispuniš život? Pronađeš svoju strast, posvetiš svoje vrijeme aktivnostima koje te ispunjavaju? Želi li u tebi osvijestiti da si predugo zapostavljao sebe i da je vrijeme da ponovno preuzmeš kontrolu u svoje ruke? Poruka je za svakoga različita, na tebi je da istražiš što je točno tvoja istina. Bez obzira u kojem obliku dolaze, naši osjećaji imaju poruku za nas. Na tebi je želiš li ju vidjeti, prihvatiti i iskoristiti kako bi se ODNJEGOVAO do ozdravljenja.
Ili želiš nastaviti odbijati to stanje, TJERATI se ka ozdravljenju i ZAHTJEVATI njegovu poslušnost puškom. Ovo što ja govorim je sranje, ti nemaš vremena da se NJEGUJEŠ ka ozdravljenju. Ti imaš posao na koji moraš otići, djecu i muža o kojima trebaš brinuti, karijeru koju trebaš razvijati. Ti imaš sve što je važnije od tebe, važnije od ljubavi i pažnje koju tvoje tijelo, um i duša očajnički trebaju. Popiti ćeš tabletu, IZDROGIRATI se brzim postupkom natrag u zdravo stanje, ti nemaš vremena za ove koještarije.
Nema problema. Ti samo nisi spreman da prihvatiš istinu. Situacija će se ponoviti, ne brini. Imati ćeš još mnogo prilika za eksperimentiranje dok ne nađeš pravi lijek. Mogao bi se iznenaditi jednog dana, kao što sam i ja, kad sam shvatila da je najefikasniji lijek za bilo koju bolnu situaciju – LJUBAV. LJUBAV PREMA SEBI i svojim vlastitim potrebama. Probaj taj lijek kad te slijedeći put pogode negativne emocije. Ne možeš ništa izgubiti. Uvijek postoji ta TABLETA koju možeš uzeti u slučaju da je ovo što ja govorim stvarno puko sranje.