Author: martylux

Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓

I grew up in a small town in Croatia. It is a place where ‘everyone knows your name’, and not just the name, but everything about you. Everything about your parents, grandparents, your primary and extended family. Things about you that not even you know about yourself, things that were never true for you, you think, but they know better. They know you and what you are better than you know yourself. And they don’t hesitate to spread the word.

Growing up in such an environment is an easy trap for people who don’t have a strong image of themselves. People who don’t know who they are. For people like that it is too easy to believe their neighbors. As they don’t know themselves, they are going to believe anyone who says anything about them. And they are going to accept that as being true. Like I used to.

Living in a place like that is comparative to the times of burning witches on open fire. The only difference is that now the surroundings are going to find you guilty, but the burning part you will do yourself. You are going to accept the accusation, and you are going to burn yourself alive. You are going to burn yourself in your own guilt, in your own blame, negativity, pity and sense of unworthiness.

In such a society and without your own identity, you feel it is an imperative to be accepted. You will desperately try to ‘fix’ the issue. You are going to spread yourself thin in order to prove to OTHERS that THEIR opinion about you is not correct. You are going to bend yourself over, twist and turn. All to fit into a pretzel you think they will like to eat. Problem is, you can never be twisted perfectly enough, or sweet enough, or brown enough for your neighbor to like. No matter what you do, he is not going to like your kind of pretzel. And you will suffer. Because for you the acceptance of these people is all that matters, it is driving your life.

You are going to live your whole life in this prison of ‘what will people think’. You are not going to allow yourself to decide for yourself. You are not going to allow yourself to enjoy things you would like to enjoy, but the ones that are ‘acceptable’ to be enjoyed and in the way they ‘are supposed to’ be enjoyed. You are not going to do things that you think deep inside are right, but the ones that the surroundings convinced you to be right. You will believe anything and everything your surroundings say about you, everything they say about justice, happiness, life and death.

You will also never question it. You will be so imbedded in that belief system you will call ‘culture’, ‘tradition’, ‘normal’, etc.  It will never even cross your mind to ask YOURSELF what is that you would REALLY want? How would you live your life if you were given absolute freedom and be taken out of those surroundings? You will never take yourself out because: 1. You have no idea that you can (and you don’t even need to physically leave), 2. You haven’t seen many people doing it, 3. Those who did it and left – their life you don’t follow, so you don’t know what they have achieved, 4. Those who left and whose life you do follow – you believe they did it BECAUSE they left, 5. Those who did it and are still there living their lives as they please are simply – just crazy. God bless their souls.

I have lived like that for a bigger part of my life. I have also believed everything about myself that I was told. I believed the value system I grew up in was one and only correct, and I hardly ever questioned it. I knew exactly at any given moment what was ‘right’ and what was ‘wrong’, and how it is acceptable to live, and how not. Everyone seemed to be doing it the same way, so I was supposed to, as well. When I would do something ‘wrong’, which by definition was something that this specific environment was judging, I believed I deserved punishment. I deserved punishment because, even if I wanted to do that, even if I enjoyed it, even if it made me happy, I was ‘not supposed to do that’. Because ‘that is not something you do’, it simply isn’t. You are not allowed to question it, you are not allowed to say otherwise. Or are you? You never even ask! You ‘know’ you deserve punishment. Everyone has already made their judgment, so now it is up to you to proceed with punishment. And I did. I complaisantly obeyed. I punished myself even harder than anyone else ever could. I was my biggest critic.

‘It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society’ said a great philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti. That was indeed a sick place, and I was well-adjusted to its sickness.

Until I dared to ask different questions one day. Is this a kind of life I want to have? Do I really want to stop doing things I enjoy because someone somewhere doesn’t like them? I was reading more, and listened less to the news and people’s opinions. I traveled and discovered other cultures both physically and virtually. I found out that there is no such thing as ‘one truth’, there is no such thing as ‘normal’ – what is normal for us, in some other cultures may be forbidden by law. What some other cultures have discovered that is very detrimental to a human development, in my home town is still the rightest thing to do.

Why should it matter to me whether I was accepted by such a society? Who were these people and why was a bothered by their opinions? Why was I bothered if my so called ‘friends’ accepted me? If they really accepted me, they would accept the whole ME, not only ‘me’ who was doing how they please. Those were also not people I looked up to, they were not people I owed anything to, they were not people who achieved anything I strived for. I guess because they had no time, they were too busy minding everyone else’s business. Were these really people who should matter in my life? It was time to honestly answer all these questions, and start making better choices. MY OWN CHOICES, for once.

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‘Što će ljudi reći?’ Cijena prilagodbe bolesnom društvu 

Odrasla sam u malom gradu u Hrvatskoj. To je mjesto ‘gdje ti svi znaju ime’. I ne samo ime, već sve o tebi. Sve o tvojim roditeljima, djedovima i bakama, tvojoj užoj i široj rodbini. Stvari koje ni ti ne znaš o sebi, stvari koje o tebi nikad nisu bile istina, misliš ti, ali oni znaju bolje. Oni te znaju i znaju tko si ti bolje nego što ti znaš sebe. I ne susprežu se da prošire vijest.

Odrastati u takvom okruženju laka je zamka za one koji nemaju jak vlastiti identitet. Ljudi koji ne znaju tko su. Tim je ljudima prelako vjerovati svojim susjedima. S obzirom da oni sami ne znaju, vjerovati će sve što bilo tko o njima kaže. I prihvatiti će to kao istinu. Kao što sam i ja običavala.

Živjeti u takvom okruženju ekvivalent je vremenu kad su se vještice spaljivale na lomači. Jedina je razlika danas što će te tvoje okruženje osuditi, ali dio spaljivanja odraditi ćeš sam. Prihvatiti ćeš osudu i sam ćeš se živog spaliti. Spaliti ćeš se u svojoj krivnji, optužbama, negativnosti i osjećaju nevrijednosti.

U takvom društvu i bez vlastitog identiteta, osjećaš da je presudno biti prihvaćen. Očajnički ćeš pokušati ‘popraviti’ stvari. Raditi ćeš sve što je u tvojoj moći kako bi DRUGIMA dokazao da je NJIHOVO mišljenje o tebi netočno. Uvijati ćeš se lijevo i desno, plesati kako drugi sviraju. Uviti ćeš se u kiflu koju misliš da tvoj susjed voli jesti. Problem je što nikad ne možeš biti savršeno uvijen, savršene slatkoće ili rumenosti, baš onakva kiflica kakvu tvoj susjed voli. Što god radio, on neće voljeti jesti tvoju vrstu kiflica. I ti ćeš patiti. Jer za tebe, prihvaćanje tih ljudi je ono što je bitno, to upravlja kormilom tvog života.

Živjeti ćeš cijeli život u tom zatvoru onoga ‘što će ljudi reći’. Nećeš si dopustiti da odlučiš sam za sebe. Nećeš dopustiti da uživaš u stvarima u kojima bi želio uživati, već samo u onima u kojima je ‘prihvatljivo’ uživati i to na način da koji ‘se treba’ uživati. Nećeš raditi stvari za koje duboko u sebi vjeruješ da su ispravne, već one za koje te društvo uvjerilo da su ispravne. Vjerovati ćeš bilo što što tvoje okruženje kaže o tebi, sve što kaže o pravdi, sreći, životu i smrti.

Također nikad to nećeš propitivati. Toliko ćeš biti uljuljan u taj sustav vjerovanja koji zoveš ‘kulturom’, ‘tradicijom’, ‘normalnim’, itd. Nikad ti neće niti pasti na pamet da se pitaš što bi ZAISTA želio? Kako bi živio svoj život kada bi dobio apsolutnu slobodu i odvojio se od tog okruženja? Nikada se nećeš sam pokušati odvojiti od tog okruženja jer: 1. Ne znaš da možeš (a čak ne moraš ni fizički otići), 2. Nisi video puno ljudi koji su uspjeli, 3. Oni koji su to učinili i fizički otišli – njihov život ne pratiš, pa ne znaš što su postigli, 4. Oni koji su otišli i čiji život pratiš – vjeruješ da su to postigli JER su otišli, 5. Oni koji su uspjeli,  i dalje tamo žive na način na koji sami žele, oni su jednostavno – ludi. Bog nek’ im pomogne.

Ja sam tako živjela dobar dio svog života. Ja sam također vjerovala sve što su mi rekli. Vjerovala sam da je vrijednosni sustav u kojem sam odrasla je jedini točan, i gotovo ga nikad nisam propitivala. Znala sam točno što je ‘pravo’, a što je ‘krivo’ i kako je prihvatljivo živjeti, a kako ne. Činilo se da su svi živjeli na isti način, pa tako sam trebala i ja. Kad sam učinila nešto ‘loše’, ono što je po definiciji bilo nešto što je to okruženje osuđivalo, vjerovala sam da zaslužujem osudu. Vjerovala sam da zaslužujem osudu iako sam to htjela učiniti, iako sam u tome uživala, iako me to činilo sretnom. Nisam to ‘trebala’ učiniti. Jer to ‘nije nešto što se čini’, jednostavno nije. Ne smiješ to preispitivati, ne smiješ reći drugačije. Ili smiješ? Nikad ni ne pitaš! Ti ‘znaš’ da zaslužuješ kaznu. Svi su već odlučili o tvojoj osudi, na tebi je da odradiš kaznu. I ja jesam. Ja sam se kažnjavala i jače nego bi me drugi ikada mogli kazniti. Bila sam svoj najveći kritičar.  

‘Nije mjera zdravlja biti dobro prilagođen duboko bolesnom društvu’ rekao je veliki filozof Jiddu Krishnamurti. To je doista bilo bolesno društvo, i ja sam bila dobro prilagođena njegovoj bolesti.

Dok se jednog dana nisam usudila postaviti drugačija pitanja. Je li to život kakav želim živjeti? Želim li doista prestati raditi stvari u kojima uživam jer se nekome negdje ne sviđaju? Čitala sam više i slušala manje vijesti i mišljenja drugih ljudi. Putovala sam i otkrivala druge kulture, fizički i virtualno. Shvatila sam da ne postoji ‘jedna istina’, ne postoji ‘normalno’ – što je normalno za nas, u nekim je drugim kulturama zabranjeno zakonom. Što su druge kulture otkrile da je vrlo pogubno za ljudski razvoj, u mom rodnom gradu ljudi to gledaju kao najveću vrijednost.  

Zašto bi meni trebalo biti važno jesam li prihvaćena od strane takvog društva? Tko su ti ljudi i zašto me brine njihovo mišljenje? Zašto me brine prihvaćaju li me moji takozvani ‘prijatelji’? Ako me doista prihvaćaju, prihvatili bi cijelu MENE, ne samo ‘mene’ koja radi kako se njima sviđa. To također nisu ljudi kojima se divim, to nisu ljudi kojima ništa dugujem, oni nisu netko tko je postigao nešto čemu sam ja težila. Pretpostavljam jer nemaju vremena. Prezauzeti su zabadajući nosove u svačiji tuđi život. Jesu li to doista ljudi koji bi trebali biti važni u mom životu? Bilo je vrijeme da iskreno odgovorim na sva ta pitanja i počnem odabirati bolje stvari za sebe. BIRATI SVOJE VLASTITE IZBORE, jednom u životu.  

Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓

My best friend who knows me since we were nine talked to me the other day about my blog and social media posts. She was surprised to read that I ever had periods of depression, lower moods, times when I was feeling inadequate, empty or lost. She said that all those years since she knew me, I never expressed anything like that to her and I never seemed that I could experience such situations.

The reason for that was that I myself did not really acknowledge those moments. According to me, feeling happy and joyful was ‘who I was’. This was my ‘normal’ mood. Whenever I would experience anything opposite of that, I didn’t feel as if it was part of me. I did anything necessary for that to ‘go away’, so I can return to me being ‘myself’ again. I would hamster up into my cocoon, and I wouldn’t want to see anyone. I would isolate and feel low by myself. I didn’t want anyone to see me ‘like that’ because I wasn’t ‘a good company’, I had something to ‘deal with’ first, before I can show myself to the world again. I didn’t want to show to anyone who I really was, and what I was really feeling.

But, how could I? I couldn’t accept it myself, either. I was feeling as if those lower moods were not a part of me, I felt as if they were ‘the intruder’ who came to disturb my otherwise perfectly happy and pink life. I thought the right thing to do with ‘them’ is to take time to ‘deal with’ them, and do whatever it takes to exterminate them, so I can go back to being ‘my normal’ self again as soon as possible. I was feeling irritated because they showed up ‘at this very moment’, when it was, in fact, inconvenient for me. I had things to do, important meetings to attend, events to organize, stuff to take care of. I had million more important things to do but to give the time and attention to myself. I was a master of avoiding myself.

It never even crossed my mind the idea that also those moods were a part of me, also those moments were ‘my normal self’. Everything that I am experiencing in my life is in fact ME. There is no one else. There is no ‘other’ to who this depression belongs to, there is no ‘devil’, the king of lower moods who in fact owns them instead of me, and just decided to send some my way today, that bastard! It is a scary thought to realize: there is no one but me. I am my depression equally as being my chirpy self. I am the blanket hamster, just as I am a jumping puppy. I am all of it, and I either accept it, or I don’t.

The trouble with not wanting to accept it is that you really suffer while this is happening. When those lower moods hit you, they hit you really hard. You are fighting them with all your power, you are negotiating with God (or whatever you believe in) to take them away from you, you go on rants and ask the universe ‘How did I deserve that? Why me?’, you are trying to figure out ‘Why is this happening?’. The physical pain inside of you is so strong, you feel powerless over it, you don’t know what to do with it. You just want it to go away. You want it to go away so badly, that you even pray to God, and you never ever pray! He must be mistaken, you are the wrong person to receive it. God is a very busy creature taking care of seven million people on this planet only. It is not so unusual, that He gets confused!

You sound that ridiculous, and you don’t even know it. You are there deadly serious trying to explain to the universe that ‘this’, whatever is happening does not belong to you. And there, while you wait for God to correct his mistake, you might just realize that there in fact was no mistake. Or there is no God? Many people at this point will rather decide that there is no God, because that is in fact much easier. To blame it on someone else who didn’t do their job is always much easier than taking an honest, good look at yourself.

I don’t blame you. I was doing so for far too long. I know the following news will not surprise you: it did not help. In fact that God (which doesn’t exist) would next time bring me an even bigger depression, an even more desperate situation, and during the days of an even more ‘important’ project. He would amplify the message, to push me once again to take a look into myself, to realize what was in fact going on inside of me. For far too long, I was rejecting it, I was rejecting the message, I was rejecting the help, I was rejecting the idea that these lower moods even exist! I simply didn’t want to accept them. This is like when you are a child and you cover your eyes and you think that nobody sees you anymore and you don’t exist. You think that if you close your eyes in front of your own reality, that it will make it go away. Surprise, surprise: it doesn’t!

What does help is accepting it. Taking a good look into it, and simply accepting it exists, it is a part of you. A part with equal rights. It paid the rent, and it has all the right to live in this space just as your other parts do. It is not here for you to exterminate it, to medicate it, to operate it out of your system. It is here for you to see it, maybe for the first time in your life, and to acknowledge it, to give it credit. It is here so you could explore it, you could see where it comes from, how it feels and what is trying to tell you. Is it inviting you to slow down, and give yourself more rest? Is it trying to tell you to fulfill your life? To find your passions, activities and dedications that tingle your core? Is it trying to make you aware that for far too long you were neglecting yourself, and it is time to get your life back into your hands? It will be different for everyone, you are to find out what the truth is for you. No matter what it is, our feelings come with a message. It is up to you whether you want to see it, accept it and use it to NURTURE yourself back to health.

Or you want to continue rejecting it, and FORCE back your health, DEMAND its obedience with a shotgun. What I am saying is bullshit, you have no time to NURTURE yourself. You have a job to go to, children and a husband to take care of, a career to run. You have everything that is more important than yourself, than giving love and attention that your body, mind and soul is so desperately screaming for. You will take a pill, MEDICATE yourself back to health fast, you have no time for this crap!

It’s not a problem. You are just not ready to accept the truth. The situation will come back again, don’t worry. There will be so many more opportunities for you to experiment until you find the right medicine. You might surprise yourself one day, just like I did, when I found out that by far the most effective MEDICINE for any suffering and pain is LOVE. LOVE TOWARDS YOURSELF and your own present needs. Try it next time those lower moods hit. There is nothing you can loose. There is always that PILL you can take in case that what I am saying is just a big bunch of crap.

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Prepišite si ljubav, na recept

Moja najbolja prijateljica koja me zna otkad smo imale devet godina pitala me neki dan o mom blogu i objavama na socijalnim mrežama. Bila je iznenađena kad je pročitala da sam prolazila kroz periode depresije, lošeg raspoloženja, da sam se osjećala neadekvatno, prazno i izgubljeno. Rekla je kako sve ove godine otkad me zna, ja nikad nisam izrazila takvo nešto i nikad se nisam činila da bih mogla prolaziti kroz takve situacije.

Razlog tome bio je da ni ja sama nisam priznavala da se ti trenutci meni događaju. Po mom mišljenju osjećati se sretno i zadovoljno bilo je ono ‘što ja jesam’. To je bilo moje ‘normalno’ stanje. Kad god bih iskusila nešto suprotno od toga, nisam osjećala da je to dio mene. Radila sam što god sam mislila da je potrebno da to ‘ode’ kako bih ja ponovno mogla biti ‘ja’. Sklupčala bih se u svoju čahuru i nisam htjela vidjeti nikoga. Izolirala bih se i osjećala loše sama sa sobom. Nisam htjela da me ‘takvu’ nitko vidi jer ‘nisam bila dobro društvo’, morala sam nešto ‘riješiti’ prije nego bih se ponovno mogla pokazati svijetu. Nisam željela nikome pokazati tko sam doista i što sam zaista osjećala.

No, kako sam i mogla? Nisam to ni sama željela prihvatiti. Osjećala sam da ta loša raspoloženja nisu dio mene, osjećala sam da su ona ‘nametnik’ koji je došao uzurpirati moj inače sretan, ružičasti život. Mislila sam je je ono što s ‘njima’ treba činiti je da ih ‘riješim’, da učinim što god je potrebno da ih istrijebim kako bih se mogla što prije vratiti svojoj ‘normalnoj’ sebi. Bila  sam iziritirana što su se ta raspoloženja pojavila ‘baš sada’ kad meni to nije odgovaralo. Imala sam posla, važne sastanke na kojima trebam sudjelovati, događaje organizirati, stvari obaviti. Imala sam milijun stvari koje su bile važnije od pažnje i vremena koje sam trebala posvetiti sebi. Bila sam stručnjak u izbjegavanju sebe.

Nikad nisam ni pomislila da su možda i te negativne emocije dio mene, da su i ti trenutci ‘moje normalno ja’. Sve što doživljavam u životu je zapravo moje JA. Ne postoji nitko drugi. Ne postoji ‘drugi’ kome bi ta depresija pripadala, ne postoji ‘vrag’, kralj negativnih emocija koji ih zapravo posjeduje umjesto mene i koji ih je baš danas odlučio poslati meni. Idiot! Strašna je to spoznaja: ne postoji nitko doli ja. Ja sam svoja depresija jednako kao i svoja vrckavost. Ja sam hrčak iz čahure jednako kao i veseli štenac. Ja sam sve to. Mogu to ili prihvatiti ili ne.

Ukoliko to ne želiš prihvatiti, problem je da stvarno patiš dok se to dešava. Kad te te negativne emocije pogode, baš te pogode! Boriš se s njima svom svojom snagom, pregovaraš s Bogom (ili u što god da vjeruješ) da to prestane. Opališ žalopojke pitajući svemir ‘Kako sam to zaslužila? Zašto ja?’, pokušavaš shvatiti ‘Zašto se ovo dešava?’. Fizička bol u tebi je tako jaka, osjećaš se nomoćnim pred njom, ne znaš što učiniti s njom. Samo želiš da prestane. Toliko jako želiš da ode, da se čak i moliš Bogu, a nikad se ne moliš! Mora da se zabunio, Bog, to što je poslao, poslao je krivoj osobi. Ti nisi ta. Bog je jako zauzet brinući o sedam milijuna ljudi samo na ovoj planeti. Nije to toliko neuobičajeno, da se Bog zabuni!

Doslovno tako smiješno zvučiš, a nisi toga ni svjestan. Smrtno ozbiljan pokušavaš objasniti svemiru da ‘ovo’, što god se događa ne pripada tebi. I tako dok čekaš da Bog ispravi svoju pogrešku, moguće je da shvatiš da zapravo greške nema. Ili da nema Boga? Mnogo ljudi će u ovom trenutku radije zaključiti da nema Boga jer kriviti nekoga tko nije odradio svoj posao je puno lakše nego stvarno dobro pogledati u sebe.

Ja te ne krivim. I ja sam to radila i predugo. Znam da te sljedeće vijesti neće iznenaditi: nije mi pomoglo. U stvari taj Bog (koji ne postoji) bi me sljedeći put doveo u još veće depresivno stanje, u još očajniju situaciju, usred još važnijeg projekta. Pojačao bi poruku ne bi li me još jednom natjerao da pogledam u sebe, da shvatim što se zapravo događa iznutra. Predugo sam to odbijala, tu poruku, tu pomoć, ideju da te negativne emocije uopće postoje! Jednostavno to nisam željela prihvatiti. To je kao kad si dijete pa pokriješ oči rukama misleći da te nitko ne vidi i da sada ne postojiš. Misliš da ako zatvoriš oči pred svojom stvarnošću, ona će nestati. Iznenađenje: neće!

Ono što pomaže je prihvaćanje. Dobro pogledati situaciju, prihvatiti da ona postoji i da je dio tebe. Dio s jednakim pravima. Platila je stanarinu i ima pravo živjeti u ovom prostoru kao i ostali dijelovi tebe. Nije tu kako bi ju ti što brže uništio, umrtvio tabletama, kirurški ju odstranio iz svog sistema. Tu je kako bi ju vidio, možda po prvi put u svom životu, priznao i dao joj pažnju. Tu je kako bi ju mogao istražiti, vidjeti odakle dolazi i zašto, istražiti što osjećaš i što ti želi reći. Poziva li te da usporiš i više odmaraš? Pokušava li ti reći da si ispuniš život? Pronađeš svoju strast, posvetiš svoje vrijeme aktivnostima koje te ispunjavaju? Želi li u tebi osvijestiti da si predugo zapostavljao sebe i da je vrijeme da ponovno preuzmeš kontrolu u svoje ruke? Poruka je za svakoga različita, na tebi je da istražiš što je točno tvoja istina. Bez obzira u kojem obliku dolaze, naši osjećaji imaju poruku za nas. Na tebi je želiš li ju vidjeti, prihvatiti i iskoristiti kako bi se ODNJEGOVAO do ozdravljenja.

Ili želiš nastaviti odbijati to stanje, TJERATI se ka ozdravljenju i ZAHTJEVATI njegovu poslušnost puškom. Ovo što ja govorim je sranje, ti nemaš vremena da se NJEGUJEŠ ka ozdravljenju. Ti imaš posao na koji moraš otići, djecu i muža o kojima trebaš brinuti, karijeru koju trebaš razvijati. Ti imaš sve što je važnije od tebe, važnije od ljubavi i pažnje koju tvoje tijelo, um i duša očajnički trebaju. Popiti ćeš tabletu, IZDROGIRATI se brzim postupkom natrag u zdravo stanje, ti nemaš vremena za ove koještarije.

Nema problema. Ti samo nisi spreman da prihvatiš istinu. Situacija će se ponoviti, ne brini. Imati ćeš još mnogo prilika za eksperimentiranje dok ne nađeš pravi lijek. Mogao bi se iznenaditi jednog dana, kao što sam i ja, kad sam shvatila da je najefikasniji lijek za bilo koju bolnu situaciju – LJUBAV. LJUBAV PREMA SEBI i svojim vlastitim potrebama. Probaj taj lijek kad te slijedeći put pogode negativne emocije. Ne možeš ništa izgubiti. Uvijek postoji ta TABLETA koju možeš uzeti u slučaju da je ovo što ja govorim stvarno puko sranje.