Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓
There is this amazing guy I am seeing, and somehow, I am not perfectly in comfort with his amazingness. He is too good towards me, too good (to be true?), too positive about our future together, too supportive of me and my career pursuit, of my dreams and my own awesomeness. He seems too gentle, too stable, too secure, too loving. He is too wanting to give me the most wonderful life any girl would kill for. What is wrong with me?
This is not just me. Every other friend (female and male equally) was having similar stories. For my girlfriend A. the great guy who called her out was ‘too boring’, for my friend L. a nice supportive girl was ‘just not his type’. They as well, just like me could not really put their finger on what was actually ‘wrong’ with these people. When I asked about it A. said ‘You know…I am more of an adventurous type’ (the guy who was boring for her was traveling a lot and was a passionate mountain climber). L. said ‘I want a girl who has hobbies’ (L. is a guy who doesn’t go out at all and spends all his free time watching series and YouTube shows). It is not about the fact that these people are not a match to us. It is not about that they don’t fit our lifestyle. There is something else going on.
Looking into my relationship with Mr. Wonderful, one day I woke up and realized THIS GUY is EVERYTHING I have put on this soulmate vision board I made some months ago.
When I realized this, I started freaking out! I have finally got what I always wanted and now it freaks me out. Why do I feel there is something ‘off’ with this? With him? Why can’t I just relax into this amazing connection and let it nurture me, let him adore me like I always wanted to be adored? Why was I scared? Why was I confused about this and thrown out of my balance with myself?
I am sure you have heard and read many times that we as women when searching for a partner we are actually searching for our fathers (and vice versa goes for men).* That statement is psychologically quite true. This is because the relationship with our father (if you are a girl) represents our first contact with the opposite sex, and the opposite dominant energy (in this case, masculine). From this relationship we learn about the opposite sex. From this relationship we learn what does it mean to be loved by a man. And that is what we are looking for later on.
My father was quite absent while I was growing up, physically and emotionally. He was absent from our home 5 days a week due to his work, and during the weekends he spent a lot of time with his hobbies and friends. He wasn’t involved much emotionally in raising me nor spending what is considered quality time with me when I was a child. From the relationship with my father I learned that love from a man is the one from a distance, and that I need to compete for his attention with other activities in his life (work, hobbies, friends). I learned that men are not present much in our lives, and that constantly seeking their attention is how a love relationship with men looks like. I did not learn to associate love from a man with a lot of emotional involvement nor did I learn that love means attachment.
We don’t fall in love with partners that are good for us, but those that feel familiar.
I always thought that all that ‘looking for our fathers’ was a pile of crap. Most of my boyfriends were ambitious career people, and my father wasn’t one of those people. They were wearing suits or fashionable clothes, and my father hates formal attire or making appearances in general. They were serious, he is a fun-loving man. There didn’t seem to be one thing these people have in common with my father. However, the deeper I dug, the more layers I peeled off. My type were busy men with time and energy demanding careers. After years of struggling with this question, I was finally able to see what all my exes had in common: They were all freakishly unavailable! I was chasing them and competing for their attention with million things that were more important than our relationship. There it was. They WERE my father.
So, even when we are not happy with our ‘type’, even when relationships with these partners bring a lot of suffering, we still stubbornly keep looking for the same men. Thing is, all those unavailable men provided love in the exact way that my father did, absence and competition included. Even though I was not happy, and I suffered greatly in the competition game, where, naturally I would always loose, I still chose one unavailable men after the other.
For me, just like for A. and L., ambitious men were my type. I used to say: ‘I am an ambitious girl, so an ambitious man is a great match for me’. I was stubborn about it until I dared to ask myself the question ‘Why?’. I wasn’t making any sense, just as A. and L. don’t make any sense with their choices. I wanted someone with a successful career, someone who is not boring (thus has a lot of hobbies, or one dominant hobby I would call ‘passion’). When I analysed all this, what I was searching for was not about avoiding lazy men who will not be able to take care of our potential family, or boring men with whom I would look at the walls all day long. It was about their unavailability that felt familiar. Unavailability was that ‘safe space’ that daddy used to provide for me as a little girl.
We learn about love in our childhood, but as adults we are able to liberate ourselves from the traumas of childhood that we carry within ourselves. By becoming aware of our patterns, we can expose them, and choose a different way. Ask yourself:
– What were the traumas of my childhood? Many times you will think there were none, but everything that made you unhappy in any moment, irritated, crying, alone, rejected – that is a childhood trauma.
– Can I recognize any of those traumas in my current partners or people I like? What makes me cry, feel irritated, angry, rejected?
– Do I refuse certain people because I associate (even their good) traits with people who hurt me as a child?
We need to keep going even when this love in front of us feels challengingly unfamiliar. We need to feel the fear and do it anyway (How our fears are keeping us captive). We will realize that we CAN love differently. By going forward I will realize that my dream man is exactly that – my DREAM man, and despite the fears inside of me, I will keep going. I will keep discovering how amazing attachment can feel, despite the fear that I am feeling inside of me, despite the urge to run away into the hands of someone unavailable yet again. I decided I will make better choices for myself, so can you.
*If you are a gay woman or a man, your association might be different. It will depend on the dominant energy that is prevalent in you. If your dominant energy is feminine, your associations might be with a parent whose dominant energy is masculine, regardless of your actual gender.
Kako odabiremo koga ćemo voljeti
Trenutno izlazim s jednim predivnim dečkom, ali nekako mi njegova predivnost nije potpuno ugodna. On je predobar prema meni, predobar (da bi bio istinit?), prepozitivan oko naše budućnosti, prepodržavajući prema meni i mojoj karijeri, prema mojim snovima i mojoj predivnosti. Čini se prenježan, prestabilan, presiguran, s previše ljubavi. On želi previše dati mi najdivniji život za koji bi svaka djevojka ubila. Što nije u redu sa mnom?
Ali to nisam samo ja. Svaki drugi prijatelj i prijateljica imaju slične priče. Za moju prijateljicu A. super dečko koji ju je pozvao vani bio je ‘predosadan’. Za mog prijatelja L. draga, podržavajuća cura jednostavno nije bila njegov tip’. Oni, kao i ja, nisu mogli doista identificirati što je zapravo ‘krivo’ s tim ljudima. Kad sam pitala o tome, A. je rekla ‘Znaš..ja sam više avanturistički tip’ (dečko koji je bio dosadan za nju puno je putovao i bio je zaljubljenik u brdsko penjanje). L. kaže ‘Ja želim curu koja ima hobije’ (L. je osoba koja ne izlazi i svo slobodno vrijeme provodi gledajući serije I YouTube emisije). Ne radi se o tome da ti ljudi nisu kompatibilni s nama, ne radi se o tome da ne pašu u naš stil života. Nešto je tu drugo posrijedi.
Gledajući u svoju novu vezu s Gospodinom Prekrasnim, jednog sam se dana ustala i shvatila: OVAJ MUŠKARAC je SVE što sam stavila na svoju ljubavnu mapu vizije (visionboard) koju sam napravila prije nekoliko mjeseci.
Kad sam to shvatila, malo sam se uspaničarila. Napokon sam dobila ono što sam uvijek željela i sad me hvata panika. Zašto osjećam da nešto nije u redu s tim? S njim? Zašto se jednostavno ne mogu opustiti u tu prekrasnu povezanost i dopustiti joj da me njeguje, dopustiti mu da me obožava kako sam uvijek željela biti obožavana? Zašto sam uplašena? Zašto sam zbunjena i izbačena iz svoje ravnoteže sa samom sobom?
Sigurna sam da ste čuli i čitali mnogo puta da mi kao žene kada tražimo partnera zapravo tražimo svoje očeve (suprotno vrijedi za muškarce).* Ta je tvrdnja psihološki istinita. To je zato jer veza s našim ocem (ako si cura) predstavlja naš prvi dodir sa suprotnim spolom, sa suprotnom dominantnom energijom (u ovom slučaju, muškom). Iz te veze učimo o suprotnom spolu. Iz te veze učimo što to znači biti voljen od strane muškarca. I to je ono što kasnije tražimo.
Moj otac je bio dosta odsutan dok sam odrastala, fizički i emocionalno. Bio je odsutan iz obiteljskog doma 5 dana u tjednu radi posla, a tokom vikenda puno je vremena provodio u svojim hobijima i s prijateljima. Nije bio vrlo emocionalno uključen u moje odrastanje i nije provodio puno kvalitetnog vremena sa mnom dok sam bila dijete. Iz veze sa svojim ocem naučila sam da je muškarčeva ljubav ona sa distance, da se trebam natjecati za njegovu pažnju s ostalim aktivnostima u njegovom životu (poslom, hobijima i prijateljima). Naučila sam da muškarci nisu puno prisutni u našim životima i da ljubavni odnos s muškarcem izgleda tako da se neprestano traži njihova pažnja. Nisam naučila asocirati muškarčevu ljubav s emocionalnom prisutnošću niti sam naučila da ljubav znači privrženost.
Ne zaljubljujemo se u ljude koji su dobri za nas, već u one koji imaju karakteristike koje su nam poznate.
Uvijek sam mislila da je cijela ta priča o ‘traženju svog oca’ hrpa gluposti. Većina mojih partnera bili su ambiciozni muškarci s fokusom na karijeru. Moj otac nije bio takav čovjek. Oni su bili u odjelima ili nosili modernu odjeću, moj otac ne voli formalnosti, ni izgledati prema društvenim normama općenito. Oni su bili ozbiljni, on je opušteni zabavnjak. Nije se činilo da postoji ijedna stvar koju su ti muškarci imali zajedničku s mojim ocem. Međutim, što sam dublje istraživala, više sam slojeva gulila. Moj tip bili su muškarci zauzeti karijerama koje su iziskivale puno vremena i energije. Nakon godina borbe s tim pitanjem, napokon sam bila sposobna vidjeti što su svi ti muškarci imali zajedničko: Svi su bili nevjerojatno nedostupni! Ja sam trčala za njima i natjecala se za njihovu pažnju sa stotinama drugih stvari koje su bile važnije od naše veze. Eto ti. Oni JESU bili moj otac!
Čak i kad nismo sretni s našim ‘tipom’ muškarca kojeg stalno tražimo, čak i kada veze s tim partnerima donose mnogo patnje, mi nastavljamo tražiti jednake muškarce. Stvar je u tome da su svi ti nedostupni muškarci pružali ljubav na točno jednak način kao što je to činio moj otac, odsutnost i natjecanje uključeni. Iako nisam bila sretna i patila sam u igri natjecanja, gdje sam naravno, uvijek gubila, I dalje sam odabirala jednog nedostupnog muškarca za drugim.
Za mene, kao i za A. i L., ambiciozni su muškarci bili moj ‘tip’. Govorila sam: ‘Ja sam ambiciozna cura, ambiciozan muškarac je savršen partner za mene’. Bila sam tvrdoglava u svojoj misiji dok se nisam usudila zapitati ‘Zašto?’. Moj izbor nije imao smisla, kao što izbori A. i L. također nemaju smisla. Htjela sam nekoga s uspješnom karijerom, nekoga tko nije dosadan (tko ima puno hobija ili jedan dominantni hobiji koji sam nazivala ‘strašću’). Kad sam sve to analizirala, nije se radilo o tome da sam htjela izbjeći lijene muškarce koji ne bi bili sposobni brinuti se o našoj potencijalnoj obitelji, ili dosadne muškarce s kojima bih čupala kosu na kauču po cijele dane. Radilo se o tome da je njihova nedostupnost bila meni poznata. Nedostupnost je bila ta ‘sigurnost’ koju mi je tata pružao dok sam bila mala curica.
Učimo o ljubavi u djetinjstvu, ali kao odrasli ljudi sposobni smo se osloboditi trauma iz djetinjstva koje nosimo u sebi. Postajući svjesni svojih obrazaca ponašanja možemo ih razotkriti i odabrati drugačiji način. Zapitajte se:
– Koje su to moje trauma iz djetinjstva? Iako mislite da nije bilo trauma u vašem djetinjstvu, jeste. Sve što vas je činilo nesretnima, iritiralo vas je, činilo vas da plačete, sve što vas je činilo da se osjećate samima I odbačenima – to je trauma.
– Mogu li prepoznati bilo koju od tih trauma u odnosu s mojim trenutnim partnerom ili u ljudima koji mi se sviđaju? Što me iritira, čini nesretnim, ljuti me ili me čini da se osjećam odbačenim?
– Odbacujem li određene ljude jer asociram (čak i njihove dobre osobine) s ljudima koji su me povrijedili dok sam bio dijete?
Moramo nastaviti čak i kad se ta ljubav što je pred nama čini izazovnom i nepoznatom. Trebamo osjećati strah i svejedno to učiniti (Kako nas strahove drže zarobljenima). Shvatiti ćemo da MOŽEMO voljeti na drugačiji način. Nastavljajući u svojoj trenutnoj vezi, ja ću naučiti da je moj Gdin. Prekrasni muškarac mojih snova i bez obzira na strahove u meni nastaviti ću. Nastaviti ću otkrivati kako je privrženost divna bez obzora na strah koji osjećam, bez obzira na potrebu da pobjegnem ponovo u zagrljaj nekog nedostupnog. Odlučila sam odabrati bolje stvari za sebe, tako možete i vi.
* Ako si gay muškarac ili žena, tvoja asocijacija može biti drugačija. Ovisiti će o tome koja je energija dominantna u tebi. Ako je tvoja dominantna energija ženska, tvoja će asocijacija biti s osobom čija je dominantna energija muška, bez obzira na tvoj spol.