Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓
I have had these depressive episodes for several weeks now. I am used to feeling them from time to time, but usually they were not so frequent one after the other. Here for several weeks, they kept coming back every weekend, as soon as I was having some more time for myself. When I was out and about, engaged in my projects and having fun with friends, they were not there. As soon as I found myself alone, and I have set on the sofa facing myself, it was not good. I felt alone, I felt rejected, sad and inadequate.
Usually, I would know what was causing such feelings – it would be a certain concrete situation which would hurt me, and it would take me some alone time to process it before I could get back to my full power. This time it was not like that. It felt heavy, and it kept coming back in the exact same intensity every single time I was sitting in that living room by myself. All my destructive behaviors came back with it, and it was very hard to find any inspiration to do all those amazing things I was so excited to start just couple of weeks ago.
I kept saying to myself that I obviously did not learn yet (after all this time) how to love myself properly in absence of other people, and I should just do some nice things for myself. Deep inside I knew that that statement cannot be completely true because I used to really enjoy my alone times. I used to be excited with the thought that finally I will have time to dedicate to myself, with my phone off and no living soul around. Just me, myself and I. I used to feel pure joy when just thinking about doing that. Something was not right.
First, I thought I just have a lot on my plate, and I clearly must be under pressure. It will be good to just cry it out. After a full weekend of crying and pouring my soul out, couple of days later, I was getting the same feeling back. I was exercising, making myself go for walks, danced and did yoga knowing that moving the stagnant energy through your body helps to resolve whatever is blocking it. It did feel better for a moment, but it did not bring the revelation. Neither did taking time with friends, taking time without friends, taking time with HIM, doing more meditation, journaling nor any other spiritual practice that is regularly on my plate. Nothing was really easing my pain. It kept coming back.
During all this time, HE and I had a difficult time together. There were all those circumstances that kept multiplying only to stay on our way. At least that’s how it seemed. I was thorn between knowing that when things are meant for us in our lives, they are delivered to us smoothly and believing that if you really want something, you should fight for it. What I did not seem to grasp entirely was that the fight is not meant to feel like a literal battle where you fight for your survival.
I wanted so desperately for those things to work out that I was exhausting myself building sandcastles. I was investing heavily into something before I checked whether the investment was solid. I was not treated right, and I was making excuses for it. I decided to believe when HE said that the circumstances were difficult right now, but our time will come. There is no other time but RIGHT NOW. If something is not right right now, it is simply not right. I knew that, but still I was allowing myself to be fooled with my eyes wide open. I was allowing myself to be hurt by believing that my happiness deserves to be postponed. I was allowing myself to feel miserable by convincing myself that my dreams were not worth living NOW. I was deceiving myself, and I was paying a high price for it.
When you feel that something is not quite right, believe yourself – it is not right. We are an infinite intelligence and every cell of our body has a separate intelligence in itself. You know, your body knows that something is going to happen even before ‘you’ do, i.e. before your brain is able to process it logically. The logical processing in fact happens only at the very end, after all the facts have been presented to the brain. The brain itself is not able to understand it before the whole picture is logically laid in front of him, but you are. Relaying on your brain only will cause you to always be last in the race – you will find out things only when everything is already over. Like in a movie – you will be able to connect the dots only after the movie is already over, when the director already reveals all pieces of the puzzle to you.
In your life, you can be the director yourself, and know how the story will end even before the end of the movie. When you feel that something is not quite right, believe yourself because it is not. Our natural state is the state of bliss, pure love and joy. If at any moment we are not aligned with those feelings, something is not right. It feels like having a huge thorn in our foot. It makes us limp, loose our balance and it makes every step painful. If we do not understand what is causing all those things, if we are not able to recognize that there is a big piece of foreign matter attached to us that does not belong there, we will feel that something is not right, but it will be difficult to set ourselves free. We will try to make exercises to bring our body back to balance, we will buy more comfortable shoes. Those things will make matters momentarily better, but only when we are able to recognize the thorn, and pull it out, will we feel a total release that will restore our whole being back to balance.
If you are like me, and sometimes you have difficulties seeing a huge thorn in your foot, don’t despair, and no matter what you do, don’t give up. Keep digging, keep asking, keep checking. The truth will reveal itself to you, and you will walk tall again.
Ako nešto smrdi, pokvareno je
Proživljavala sam depresivne episode već nekoliko tjedana. Navikla sam proživljavati ih s vremena na vrijeme, ali obično nisu bile tako česte. Sada već nekoliko tjedana vraćale su se svaki vikend, čim sam imala malo vremena za sebe. Dok sam bila okolo, uključena u svoje projekte i zabavljala se s prijateljima, sve je bilo dobro. Čim sam se našla sama i na kauču se suočila sa samom sobom, nije bilo dobro. Osjećala sam se samo, odbačeno i neadekvatno.
Obično znala bi što je uzrokovalo te osjećaje – konkretna situacija koja bi me povrijedila, pa bi mi trebalo malo vremena sa samom sobom da je procesuiram prije nego se vratim u svoju punu snagu. Ovaj put nije bilo tako. Okolnosti su bile teške, teška energija koja se vraćala u istom intenzitetu svaki put kad bi sjedila u toj dnevnoj sobi sama sa sobom. Sva moja destruktivna ponašanja vratila su se s njom i bilo je teško pronaći inspiraciju za sve one super stvari koje sam toliko bila uzbuđena početi prije samo par tjedana.
Govorila sam si da očito nisam još naučila (nakon svog tog vremena) kako adekvatno voljeti samu sebe u odsutnosti drugih osoba, te kako bih trebala učiniti lijepe stvari za sebe. Duboko u sebi znala sam da ta tvrdnja ne može biti potpuno točna jer ja sam običavala jako voljeti svoje trenutke samoće. Običavala sam biti uzbuđena da ću napokon imati vrijeme koje mogu posvetiti samo sebi, bez telefina i ikoga oko mene. Samo ja sama sa sobom. Običavala sam osjećati potpunu radost kad bi samo mislila da ću imati priliku uživati u takvom vremenu sa sobom. Nešto nije bilo u redu.
Prvo sam mislila da samo imam previše stvari koje se trenutno događaju i vrlo sam vjerojatno pod pritiskom. Bilo bi dobro da to jednostavno isplačem. Nakon samo nekoliko dana poslije punog vikenda u kojem sam isplakala svu dušu, ti su se osjećaji vratili. Vježbala sam, provodila vrijeme u dugim šetnjama, plesala i vježbala jogu znajući kako je fizička aktivnost odličan lijek za blokiranu energiju koju skupljamo u svom tijelu. Pomoglo je kratkoročno, ali ni to nije donijelo potpuno razrješenje. Također razrješenje nije donijelo ni vrijeme s prijateljima, vrijeme bez prijatelja, vrijeme s NJIM, dodatna meditacija, vođenje dnevnika ni ijedna druga spiritualna aktivnost koja je redovito u mom programu. Ništa nije doista smanjivalo tu bol. Jednostavno se ponovno vraćala.
Tokom svog tog vremena, ON i ja proživljavali smo težak period. Tu su bile sve te okolnosti koje su se množile samo kako bi nam stajale na putu. Ili se barem tako činilo. Bila sam rastrgana između znanja da kad nam je nešto namijenjeno, to nam dolazi glatko i vjerovanja da ako nešto stvarno želiš, trebaš se za to boriti. Ono što očito nisam shvaćala je da se u toj borbi ne bi trebala osjećati kao da se doslovno borim za svoje preživljavanje.
Toliko sam očajnički željela da uspijemo da sam se iscrpljivala gradeći kule u pijesku. Investirala sam puno prije nego sam se uvjerila da je investicija stvarno solidna. Nisam bila tretirana dobro i nalazila sam isprike za to. Odlučila sam vjerovati kad je rekao da je situacija teška sada, ali naše vrijeme će doći. Ne postoji drugo vrijeme već ono SADA. Ako nešto trenutno nije ok, to jednostavno nije ok. Znala sam to, ali sam si i dalje dopuštala da budem zavarana tim vjerovanjem pored potpuno otvorenih očiju. Dopuštala sam si da se osjećam loše uvjeravajući se da moji snovi nisu vrijedni da ih živim SADA. Obmanjivala sam se i plaćala sam visoku cijenu za to.
Kad osjećaš da nešto nije u redu, vjeruj si – jer nije u redu. Mi smo beskonačna inteligencija. Svaka stanica u našem tijelu posjeduje neovisnu inteligenciju. Tvoje tijelo zna da će se nešto dogoditi prije nego ti, tj. Prije nego je tvoj mozak sposoban to logično procesuirati. Logično procesuiranje se zapravo tek događa na samom kraju, nakon što je mozak sposoban uvidjeti sve činjenice. Mozak nije sposoban vidjeti stvari prije nego mu je predstavljena cijela slika, ali ti jesi. Ako se oslanjaš samo na vlastiti mozak uvijek si posljednji u trci – saznati ćeš istinu tek nakon što je sve već gotovo. Kao u filmu – povezati ćeš točkice tek nakon što je film već gotov i režiser je otkrio sve djeliće puzle.
U svom vlastitom životu, ti možeš biti svoj režiser i znati kako će priča završiti i prije kraja filma. Kad osjećaš da nešto nije potpuno ok, vjeruj si jer – nije. Naše prirodno stanje je stanje blaženstva, čiste ljubavi i radosti. Ako nismo u ravnini s tim osjećajima, nešto nije u redu. Osjećamo se kao da imamo veliki trn u stopalu. Čini nas da šepamo, izgubimo ravnotežu i svaki nam je korak bolan. Ako ne razumijemo što uzrokuje sve te stvari, ako nismo sposobni prepoznati da nam je u nogu zabijen veliki dio strane materije, osjećati ćemo da nešto nije u redu, ali biti će teško oslobodi se toga. Pokušati ćemo s vježbama ravnoteže, kupiti ćemo udobnije cipele. To će nam pomoći na trenutak, ali tek kad smo sposobni prepoznati trn i izvući ga, osjećati ćemo potpuno oslobođenje koje će povratiti naše cijelo biće natrag u ravnotežu.
Ako si kao ja i ponekad imaš poteškoća vidjeti veliki trn u svojem stopalu, ne očajavaj te što god radio, ne odustaj! Nastavi kopati, nastaviti propitivati, pitati i provjeravati. Istina će ti biti pokazana i ponovno ćeš hodati slobodno i ponosno.