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Gult and shame are embedded in us since we are born. When we are small innocent children, we are not burned by the expectations of society. We are what we truly are. We are running around freely trying to experience the world around us. We are trutful to ourselves and the world around us. We are expressing ourselves freely, and openly. We are not worried about what will others think of our behavious. When we draw we are not preoccupied if others will think that we are not talented. We dance, we sing, and do not care if anyone approves of it. Being girly we climb trees like boys, and being boys we dress up like girls. There are no bounderies, we are all-accepting and all-integrating. We are playful with the world around us, and we are experiencing pure joy.
As time passes, and we are subjected to growing up in nowdays society, our freedom is tamed. Our parents are the first ones who restrict our freedom. In our society their role is to domesticate us, to shape us to the expectation of the society. All of a sudden, you cannot run around freely because ‘that is not allowed’. Soon enough you will not be able to dance and sing as you please because ‘you are disturbing others’. Slowly, one by one all your pleasures will be restricted, and your joy taken away from you – you will become adult.
The system by which your dreams are crushed and your joy is taken away from you is shame and guilt. Soon after you are able to speak, understand and resonate for yourself, your caretakers will start slapping you with shame and gult. Things that were natural to you until yesterday, and long before you were done playing with them and exploring them, you will be served your first portion of shame. You will be innocently playing around in the park, and one of a sudden you will feel like catching that bird. As you start running towards it, your mother will catch you angrily and start shouting at you, shaming you for your behavior. She was worried that you will end up on the road. She is harshly pulling you back to the center of the park and giving you an accusing look. You had no idea what it meant to do something wrong, but now you know. Now you clearly know that you should be ashamed of your desires. Now you know that you are not valid the way you are, and you are gulty for being who you want to be.
When I was four years old I was sleeping with my parents in their room. I had a baby bed with wooden fence which was already too small for a 4-year old. I hated sleeping in that bed. I felt alone and left out. At night I used to sneak over the fence and wanted to wiggle into my parents’ bed. If my father noticed that, I was sent back with angry comments. I was imprinted with guilt for wanting to be close to my parents, and shamed for even trying to fulfill my desires.
Even though you will still not understand what all that was about, this will be the first stamp of shame and gult inside of you. It will be the first of million episodes where your parents will teach you that you are guilty for wanting what you want, and ashamed of your desires. Soon enough your talents will be dissected, and you will be judged whether your singing is nice enough, and whether you have a ‘talent’ for dancing. If they conclude that you don’t, you will feel ashamed for even trying to do it. That is how guilt is embedded in us from the very beginning of our existence. Here is where we part ways with trust in ourselves, and start trusting that what we need to please others.
Our parents’ gult is the first type of gult that we encounter. That is how it all starts. Somewhere around the age of seven we encounter the second type of gult – societal guilt. Around that age we start being more aware of the society around us, and we start interacting with it. We join school and our parents are not the only world for us anymore. Around that age we start being more independent, and we start making our own friends, choosing our own model figures, and start using our cognition in a more sophisticated way. Starting from that age we will encounter societal gult everywhere around us: on TV, in school, among friends, our neighbours. Everywhere we turn, there is someone telling us that one thing or another that we did was wrong.
They teach us one thing but then when we want to adopt our version of it, for some reason we are not allowed. There was always one person or another asking me if I have a boyfriend while I was growing up. I guess that was some kind of cute thing to ask a 6-years old. When this 6-years old becomes 11 and thinks she is quite grown up now, she decides to finally call that boy she likes in school her boyfriend. One of a sudden, that is the equivalent of slapping someone in the face! One of a sudden, when you are 11 years old, you are too young to have a boyfriend. Shame on you! Guilt! Bam!
We grow up in such contradictions and are not even aware of them. Everywhere we turn, we are faced with one message: our desires are not valid. We are not valid because of them. By the age of 21 or so, we are grown up enough to start an independent life. Here is where we are imposing on ourselves the third type of guilt – our own. We take everything that we learned so far from our parents and society and we embark on our own journey. Everything. Shame and guilt included. We don’t even realize it, but we are now shaming ourselves for the same things that someone shamed us for when we were 4 or 11 years old. We adopt the shame and guilt system and are proceeding with punishment ourselves. Last week I already wrote about how the society is conditioning us to do that (read last post here). We do not realize that that imposed guilt is now ruling our lives and is behind every feeling of inadequacy and behind every thought that says we are not good enough.
These three types of guilt are what is blocking us from realizing our dreams. Actually, from doing anything we want in our lives. Guilt creates fear. Read my post about How our fears are keeping us captive.
You are more than a grownup by now. You might even have your own children already. It is time to stop believing everyone else and start believing yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with your urges, your desires and your dreams. If you are having them, they are valid, and they are here for a reason. You are valid together with them. You are worthy always. It is time to stop believing lies that others created about you and to live your life free of guilt. Free to do whatever you want to do and act on your desires. It is time to realize that the only person who is now keeping you in chains is yourself. Best part is: you are also free to decide otherwise.
Krivnja i sram – zao sistem kontrole
Krivnja i sram su utisnuti u nas otkad se rodimo. Dok smo mala nevina dječica, nismo opterećeni očekivanjima društva. Ono smo što doista jesmo. Trčkaramo okolo pokušavajući doživijeti svijet oko nas. Iskreni smo sa sobom i svijetom koji nas okružuje. Izražavamo se slobodno i otvoreno. Nismo zabrinuti oko toga što će ljudi reći o našem ponašanju. Kada crtamo, ne brinemo oko toga što će ljudi misliti o našem talentu. Plešemo, pjevamo i ne brinemo hoće li se nekome to svidjeti. Curice se penju na drvo kao dječaci, a dječaci se oblače kao curice. Nemamo granica, potpuno prihvaćamo i potpuno integriramo svijet oko nas. Igramo se njime i živimo punu radost.
Kako vrijeme prolazi i kako smo sve više podvrgnuti odrastanju u današnjem društvu, naša je sloboda oskvrnuta. Naši su roditelji prvi koji ju ograničavaju. U našem društvu njihova je uloga da nas pripitome, da nas oblikuju prema očekivanjima društva. Odjednom ne možeš trčkarati unaokolo jer ‘to nije dozvoljeno’. Uskoro nećeš moći plesati i pjevati slobodno jer ‘smetaš drugima’. Polako jedno po jedno, sva će tvoja zadovoljstva biti ograničena i tvoja će ti radost biti oduzeta – postati ćeš odrastao.
Sistem kojim su tvoj snovi uništeni i tvoja ti je radost oduzeta zove se sram i krivnja. Vrlo brzo nakon što naučiš govoriti, razumijevati i samostalno misliti, tvoji će te staratelji početi šamarati sramom i krivnjom. Stvari koje su ti bile prirodne do jučer i puno ranije nego si ti završio igrati se s njima i istraživati ih, tvoja će ti prva porcija srama biti servirana. Nevino ćeš se igrati u parku i odjednom ćeš odlučiti da želiš uhvatiti tu pticu. Čim počneš trčati prema njoj, tvoja će te majka ljutito zaustaviti i početi vikati na tebe, posramljujući te za tvoje ponašanje. Ona se zabrinula da ćeš izletjeti na cestu. Nasilno te povlači prema sredini parka gledajući te optužujućim pogledom. Nisi imao pojma što to znači učiniti nešto krivo, ali sada znaš. Sada jasno znaš da se trebaš sramiti svojih želja. Sada znaš da nisi vrijedan onakav kakav jesi i kriv si zato zbog onoga što želiš biti.
Kad sam imala 4 godine spavala sam sa svojim roditeljima u sobi. Imala sam dječji krevetić s drvenom ogradom koji je već bio premalen za četverogodišnjakinju. Mrzila sam spavati u tom krevetu. Osjećala sam se sama i ostavljena postrani. Po noći željela bih se iskrasti preko ograde i uvući se u krevet svojih roditelja. Ako je moj otac to primijetio, poslana sam natrag uz ljutite komentare. Bila sam otisnuta krivnjom zbog želje da budem blizu svojih roditelja, posramljena zato što sam čak i probala ispuniti ono što bih toliko željela.
Iako još uvijek nećeš razumijeti o čemu se tu radi, to će biti prvi pečat srama i krivnje unutar tebe. Biti će to prva od milijun epizoda u kojima će te tvoji roditelji posramljivati i učiti da si kriv zbog toga što želiš ono što želiš. Vrlo brzo i tvoji će se talenti naći na procjenjivačkom stolu: pjevaš li dovoljno dobro i imaš li ‘talent’ za ples? Ako zaključe da nemaš, osjećati ćeš se posramljeno čak i pokušati. I tako je krivnja utisnuta u nas od početka našeg postojanja. Tako se odvajamo od vjere u sebe same i počinjemo vjerovati da trebamo zadovoljavati druge.
Krivnja naših roditelja prva je vrsta krivnje koju susrećemo. Tako sve počinje. Oko sedme godine upoznamo i drugu vrstu krivnje – društvenu krivnju. Oko sedme godine postajemo više svjesni društva oko nas i počinjemo s njime stupati u dodir. Krećemo u školu te naši roditelji više nisu naš jedini svijet. Počinjemo biti samostalniji, nalazimo svoje prijatelje, biramo svoje idole i koristimo sofisticiraniji sistem zaključivanja. U toj ćemo dobi početi nalaziti društvenu krivnju svuda oko nas: na televiziji, u školi, s prijateljima, susjedima. Gdje god se okrenemo, tamo je netko tko nam govori kako je ova ili ona stvar koju smo učinili kriva.
Uče nas jednoj stvari, ali onda kada mi želimo stvriti svoju verziju naučenog, iz nekog razloga nije nam to dopušteno. Dok sam odrastala, uvijek je postojala jedna ili druga osoba koja me pitala imam li dečka. Pretpostavljam da je pitati to šestogodišnjakinju nekako slatko, pa ljudi to rade. Kad ta šestogodišnjakinja postane jedanaestogodišnjakinja i pomisli da je sada poprilično odrasla, odluči dečkića koji joj se sviđa u školi nazvati svojim dečkom. Odjednom, to je ekvivalent tome da je nekome opalila šamar! Odjednom, u dobi od 11 premalena si da imaš dečka. Srami se! Krivnja! Bum!
Odrastamo u takvim kontradikcijama, a da ih nismo ni svjesni. Gdje god se okrenemo, suočeni smo s jednom porukom: naše želje nisu vrijedne. Mi nismo vrijedni zbog njih. U dobi od oko 21 godine dovoljno smo odrasli da započnemo neovisan život. Tu započinje treća vrsta krivnja – ona koju sami sebi izazivamo. Uzimamo sve što smo do tada naučili od svojih rditelja i društva oko nas i krećemo na vlastito putovanje. Uzimamo sve. Uključujući krivnju i sram. Nismo toga ni svjesni, ali sada se sami posramljujemo za ono što su nas drugi posramljivali kad smo imali 4 ili 11 godina. Integriramo taj sistem krivnje i srama u sebi i sami se kažnjavamo. Već sam prošli tjedan pisala o tome kako nas društvo kondicionira da to činimo (pročitaj taj post ovdje). Nismo svjesni da nam ta nametnuta krivnja upravlja životom i krije se iza svakog osjećaja neprimjerenosti i svake misli koja kaže da nismo dovoljno dobri.
Ove tri vrste krivnje su ono što nas spriječava da ostvarmo naše snove. Zapravo, spriječava nas od svega što bismo željeli postići u životu. Krivnja stvara strah. Pročitaj moju objavu o tome Kako nas strahovi drže zarobljenima.
Sada si više nego odrastao. Možda čak već imaš i svoju djecu. Vrijeme je da prestaneš vjerovati svima drugima i počneš vjerovati sebi. Ne postoji ništa što nije u redu s tobom. Sve je u redu s tvojim porvima, tvojim željama i snovima. Ako ih imaš, oni su vrijedni i tu su s razlogom. Ti si vrijedan zajedno s njima. Ti si uvijek vrijedan. Vrijeme je da prestaneš vjerovati laži koje su drugi stvorili o tebi i počneš živjeti život bez krivnje. Slobodan da radiš ono što doista želiš. Vrijeme je da shvatiš tko je taj tko te drži u okovima – to si ti sam. Najbolja stvar u tome je da si također TI taj koji može slobodno odlučiti drugačije.