Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓
Recently I was diagnosed with several illneses affecting my reproductive organs. There were several separate illneses, spreading on every female organ in my body. Moreover, each of those conditions separately had a potential to end my life in matter of months.
When I first got the news, I was devastated. For months that was the only thing I could think of. I was feeling so sorry for myself. I told about it to all my family members and my friends in hope for their pity. I was inviting everyone on my pity party thinking that this is going to make it better. I said to my boyfriend that he is free to leave me becasue I am not able to stop the virus from spreading and affecting him. I explained to my mom and all my friends how severe my condition was. The worst of all, I was explaining to myself that maybe what I was fearing the most in life is actually going to manifest – that I will die young.
I wanted to get better, but all I was doing was focusing on my condition and thinking how bad it was. I wanted to do something but I did not know what.
Medicine was something I could not rely on. Medicine is a science which specializes in putting patches on open wounds and does not treat root cause of any condition. I was not ready to start poisoning my bloodstream with chemical hormones, I was not ready to take experimential shots which might prevent something. I was done with radioactive treatments, painful surgeries, and I was definitely not willing to let parts of my body be cut out of me! I was knocking at the wrong door if I was looking to be saved by western medicine.
So, I turned into my spiritual practice. I intensified it in hope that it will bring me to a resolution. I started actively searching for answers in meditation, in esoteric teachings, and from spiritual gurus I follow. However, it seemed that those were also not bringing results, as my gynecologist was bringing one bad news after the other every time I went to see her.
Only after several months, the threat of chemical birth control pills being my only choice, the IRM and the painful biopsy, I realized that something was wrong with my strategy. I started thinking about all those women that managed to beat cancer, all those people who managed to cure themselves under unimaginable circumstances, those who survived terminal illnesses and woke up from conditions where they were kept breathing only by the power of a machine. What was the one thing that all those people had in common? Strength. A will to live. A will to live that was stronger than anything. Even when everyone else gave up on them, they did not give up on themselves. They did not whine, they did not focus on their desease and throw pity parties. They decided they wanted to live and they faught.
The fact that I was just on the verge of life and death with all of these conditions was carrying an important message for me. Each condition that I developed was just on the edge of potentially developing into something very serious, like a ticking bomb. I was just on time to descover it, and on time to change its course, should I decide so. My own body was screaming for me to wake up, it was saying that the time is NOW, or never. If I wanted to change the direction of my deaseses, I had to change the direction of my whole life.
Ironically, the place where I found the answers were the words that came out of my own mouth. The answers were not in everyone elses’ teachings, but in my own. I realized that it was time for advices that I was giving to my clients and training participants to be applied to my own life. Was I finally ready to take my own advice? I needed to feel on my own skin what being strong meant, what loving myself meant and what not giving up meant.
It meant that I will stop focusing on my condition and focus on my strength instead.
It meant that I will stop saying ‘I am sick’ and start saying ‘I am strong. My body is strong. I am recovering and getting better every day.’
It meant that I will invest my time into making my body strong and start making exercise my number one morning priority.
It meant that I will invest into making my mind stronger, stop saying ‘I have no time’ and start making time for meditating regularly.
It meant that for everyone who will ask about my condition I will say ‘Thank you for your concern, but I am not focusing on that anymore’.
It meant that I would have to accept that somebody can love me despite any condition I might have, and he is not going to give up so easily even if I was ready to give up on myself or him.
It meant that I was willing to believe in myself more than I was believing everyone else around me.
It meant that I will have to take my life into my own hands.
It meant that I will not be allowed to give up.
It meant that I am the one who, at least for now, gets to decide whether I want to die young.
It meant that I had to decide how much I really want to live.
From that moment on, I reinvented my own life once again. I started eating even healthier, and started listening to my own body more, so I can give it what feels good. I started exercising every morning, and I stoped making excuses. Strong body = strong mind. Strong mind = strong me. I took my meditation practice more seriously, and I made it my priority. I let myself be loved by others without making excuses and without feeling guilty for receiving love. I started choosing myself every day. I starated loving myself more than I was loving my excuses. I started loving life much more than I was loving my state of helplessness. In fact, I started loving life more than anything because
– What is there more important than our own lives?
– What is there more imporant than ourselves in our own lives?
– What can there ever be that is more important than our own survival?
And it is not only about surviving. It is about how we are willing to survive. Are we willing to just be carried through life like a leaf on the surface of the water, in whatever direction the river decides to take us? Or are we willing to take direction into our own hands and steer the wheel? The choice is ours. Every day there is a new opportunity for us to be stronger, whiser and better than we were yesterday.
Stop taking everyone else’s advice, and stop living everyone elses’ truth. Take your life into your own hands, and take your own advice for once. It might just save your life.
Vaš je život u vašim rukama
Prije nekoliko mjeseci dijagnosticirano mi je nekoliko bolesti koje su pogodile moje reproduktiovne organe. Nekoliko različitih bolesti širi se gotovo svakim od ženskih organa u mom tijelu. Od tih bolesti svaka za sebe ima potencijal da svrši moj život u roku od nekoliko mjeseci.
U trenutku kad sam primila te vijesti bila sam devastirana. Mjesecima to je bilo jedino na što sam mislila. Osjećala sam toliko sažaljenje prema sebi. Objavila sam te vijesti svim članovima svoje obitelji te prijateljima u nadi da će se i oni sažaliti nadamnom. Svi su bili pozvani na moj party sažaljenja misleći da će to učiniti situaciju boljom. Rekla sam svom dečku da je slobodan da me ostavi jer nisam sposobna zaustaviti virus kojim bih ga mogla zaraziti. Objasnila sam svojoj mami i svim prijateljicama koliko je moje stanje ozbiljno. Najgore od svega, objasnila sam i sebi da će se možda ono čega sam se najviše bojala u životu doista i menifestirati – da ću umrijeti mlada.
Htjela sam biti bolje, ali sve što sam radila bilo je fokusiranje na moj problem i razmišljanje o tome koliko je loše. Željela sam nešto učiniti, ali nisam znala što.
Na medicinu se nisam mogla osloniti. Medicina je znanost čija je specijalizacija stavljanje flastera na otvorne rane. Medicina ne tretira korjene problema. Nisam bila spremna trovati se kemijskim hormonima, nisam bila spremna uzeti eksperimentalna cjepiva koja bi mogla nešto prevenirati. Bilo mi je dosta radioaktivnih tretmana, bolnih operacija i definitivno nisam bila spremna dopustiti da dijelovi mog tijela budu izrezani iz mene! Kucala sam na pogrešna vrata ako sam se nadala da ću biti spašena u rukama zapadnjačke medicine.
Stoga sam se okrenula svojoj spiritualnoj praksi. Intenzivirala sam ju u nadi da će me dovesti do rješenja. Aktivno sam počela tražiti odgovore u meditaciji, ezoteričnim učenjima i od spiritualnih gurua koje sam pratila. Mešutim, činilo se da ni ta praksa nije donosila rezultate s obzirom da je moja ginekologica dostavljala jednu lošu vijest za drugom svaki put kad bi ju vijela.
Tek nakon nekoliko mjeseci, prijetnje da su kemijske kontracepcijske pilule moje jedino rješenje, magnetske rezonance i bolne biopsije, shvatila sam da nešto ne štima s mojom strategijom. Počela sam razmišljati o svim onim ženama koje su uspjele pobjediti rak, svim onim ljudima koji su se izliječili pod nevjerojatnim okolnostima, onima koji su preživjeli smrtnosne bolesti i pribudili se iz stanja u kojem su disali samo zahvaljujući aparatima na koje su bili spojeni. Što je ono što svi ti ljudi imaju zajedničko? Snaga. Želja za životom. Želja za životom koja je jača od svega. Čak i kad su svi drugi digli ruke od njih, oni nisu digli ruke od sebe. Nisu se žalili, nisu se fokusirali na svoju bolest i organizirali partije sažaljenja. Odlučili su da žele živjeti i borili su se.
Činjenica da sam bila na rubu životra i smrti sa svim mojim bolestima, imala je u sebi važnu poruku za mene. Svaka bolest koju sam razvila imala je u sebi potencijal da se razvije u nešto vrlo ozbiljno, kao bomba koja odbrojava. U pravo sam ih vrijeme otkrila i u pravo sma vrijeme bila tamo da im promijenim smjer, ukoliko sam to željala. Moje je tijelo vrištalo da se probudim, govorilo je da je vrijeme SADA, ili nikada. Ako sam željela promjeniti smjer mojih bolesti, trebala sam pormjeniti smijer cijelog svog života.
Ironično, mjesto na kojem sam našla odgovore bile su riječi koje su dolazile iz mojih vlastitih usta. Odgovori nisu bili u tušim učenjima, već u mojim vlastitim. Shvatila sam da je došlo vrijeme da se savjeti koje sam davala svojim klijentima i sudionicioma mojih treninga apliciraju na moj život. Jesam li napokon spremna poslušati svoj vlastiti savijet? Trebal sam osjetiti na vlastitoj koži što znači biti jak, što znači voljeti samog sebe i pto znači ne odustati.
To je značilo da ću se prestati fokusirati na svoj problem i početi se fokusirati na svoju snagu.
To je značilo da prestati govoriti ‘Bolesna sam’ i početi govoriti ‘Jaka sam. Moje tijelo je jako. Oporavljam se i bolje sam svakim danom.’
To je značilo da ću investirati vrijeme u to da osnažim svoje tijelo i staviti vježbanje kao broj jedan na listu prioriteta.
To je značilo da ću investirati u to da učinim svoj um snažnijim, prestati govoriti ‘Nemam vremena’, i stvoriti vrijeme za redovitu meditaciju.
To je značilo da ću svakome tko bude pitao za moje stanje reći ‘Hvala na brizi, ali ne fokusiram se više na to.’
To je značilo da ću trebati prihvatiti da me netko može voljeti bez obzira na stanje u kojem jesam i da neće odustati od mene tako lako kako sam ja spremna odustati od sebe ili do njega.
To je značilo da sam voljna vjerovati u sebe više nego što sam voljna vjerovati svima drugima oko sebe.
To je značilo da ću trebati uzeti svoj život u svoje vlastite ruke.
To je značilo da mi neće biti dopušteno da odustanem.
To je značilo da sam ja ta koja odlučuje, barem za sada, želim li umrijeti mlada.
To je značilo da trebam odlučiti koliko doista želim živjeti.
Od tog trenutka svoj sam život potpuno preokrenula još jednom. Počela sam jesti još zdravije i više slušati svoje tijelo kako bih mu mogla dati ono što ga čini da se osjeća bolje. Počela sam vježbati svako jutro i prestala sam nalaziti isprike. Jako tijelo = jak um. Jak um = jaka ja. Počela sam svoje meditacije uzimati za ozbiljno i učiniti ih svojim prioritetom. Dopustila sam da budem voljena i da primim ljubav od drugih bez isprika i bez osjećaja krivnje. Počela sam birati sebe svaki dan. Počela sam voljeti sebe više nego što sam voljela svoje isprike. Počela sam voljeti sebe više nego što sam voljela svoje stanje bespomoćnosti. Zapravo, počela sam voljeti život više nego išta jer
– Što je važnije od našeg vlastitog života?
– Što je važnije od nas samih u našim vlastitim životima?
– Što ikada može biti važnije nego naše preživljavanje?
Ali nije stvar samo u preživljavanju. Stvar je u tome kako želimo preživjeti. Želimo li samo biti nošeni kroz život kao list na površini vode, gdje god nas rijeka odluči odnijeti? Ili smo spremni sami odlučiti o smjeru kojim želimo ići i preuzeti kormilo u svoje ruke? Izbor je na nama. Svaki dan nova je prilika da budemo snažniji, mudriji i bolji no što smo bili jučer.
Prestanite slušati svačije savjete i prestanite živjeti svačije tuđe istine. Preuzmite svoj život u svoje vlastite ruke i poslušajte svoj vlastiti savjet za promjenu. Mogao bi vam promijeniti život.