Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓
All the lessons that we do not master, keep coming back to us until there is nothing for us to learn there anymore. If you feel that the same circumstances keep occurring to you, the same difficulties and struggles, they are. They are for a good reason – because there is something more for you to learn, something more inside of yourself to complete.
Exactly 4 months ago, I struggled with recognizing that I have been too focused on pushing myself to achieve things. I wrote about it in my blog ‘The Achievement Addiction’. That was the first part of the circle where I understood that I have to cut myself some slack and stop collecting diplomas. Back then I had to convince myself that there is no one but me who I need to prove anything to anymore and that I am worthy of love, appreciation and all the great things just by being who I am. There was no need for anyone to certify my worth.
Today the circle has turned and come around one more time with the same issue. I did get rid of the belief that I need no diploma to prove my worth, but what I didn’t notice that I did is exchange one addiction for another. I did not cure this core belief that I am not worthy enough unless I achieve. Diplomas were just one aspect of it. Now I just found another ‘tool’ to chase the same thing. Now it’s about how well I am doing in business, what results am I showing.
I noticed that I have been putting pressure on myself to achieve results in my business and I am not allowing myself to just be, rest and relax. In the next month and a half I have something what might be an opportunity of a lifetime – a completely paid leave. Many smart people would recognize it immediately for what it is – a golden opportunity to take what is given to me – time for rest, and use it to disconnect and reward myself for all the achievements of the past period, which were many. Most of the people would recognize this opportunity for what it is – a dream come true.
Most of the people, but not me. When you are me doing that is difficult. It is difficult to disconnect, to rest and just let go. I have spent almost every single weekend for the past couple of months at home on my couch literally suffering. I would not do any work because I felt tired and generally not inspired, but at the same time I could not acknowledge that I was overworked, and I simply needed a break. I was not allowing myself to properly rest because I was beating myself up for not working at the same time. This without exception always ends in the same place – lethargy and low moods.
Something that is important for me to learn now is that rest is an important part of the process. Equally important as work. Look at anything in the nature and you will see that there is no living being or a natural phenomenon that is progressing at all times without a break. It is simply not natural, it is simply not normal to expect that of ourselves. Take a flower, you will see that the flower takes time to grow and bloom, and then takes time to rest. Take a lion and you will see that he takes time to hunt and takes time to rest. Our brain resets during our sleep – which is the time of rest. Our muscles grow not while we are pumping them at the gym, but at night, during times of rest.
Mastering rest is as important as mastering work. If we do it properly, our results afterwards will bloom. Someone needs to explain to me that by taking a proper rest and a break from work I would be so much better prepared for big challenges that are coming ahead in fall.
Many people live just like me live with what is called a psychological fatigue. Many, just like me are living with it for such a long time that we don’t know any more if this is us or something else. Some of the times we don’t even know who we are anymore and all of the times we have no idea whether this is really the best we can be. We tend to ‘blame it’ on external circumstances: a demanding career, children and other family circumstances, our age or (physical) health. Actually, what we are failing to realize is that more times than not we are not physically tired, but psychologically exhausted.
Those people just like me cannot let themselves rest and enjoy life because we are taking life too seriously. We feel guilty every time we are not doing something and every time we are having fun instead of chasing results. Surely, all those values and beliefs come from our parents and early childhood upbringing, but good news is – we are not those children anymore. Today we can explain to ourselves that truly resting and doing fun activities just for the sake of doing them is as vital as breathing fresh air. We are mature enough to choose not to believe things which are not serving our physical and mental well-being. We are smart and aware enough to be able to understand that the standards that this society is promoting is not healthy. If we turn around ourselves we will easily recognize growing amount of alienated, sick and depressed shadows of what once were fulfilled and happy people.
Our life is in our own hands. In our own hands only. If we do not take care of ourselves, no one else will. Not because we don’t have anyone who would care for us, but because due to our beliefs we will not allow them to do so. When they will propose to help us, we will say no because we will feel guilty and will not want to ‘disturb them’. When we will have an opportunity to relax, we will not take it because ‘we still did not finish the work’. When we will have an offer to go out and just have fun, we will think three times before we decline because we will think we should be using this time for something ‘more useful’.
This vicious circle will never stop if we do not recognize that it is not the work, it is not demanding family members, it is not the chores on our to-do list. It is us. Only us and our fake beliefs that we have no right to stop, rest and do nothing for once. Against all those protests inside of me, I have decided to COMPLETELY switch off and not allow myself to do any work until October. I will post no blogs and possibly also no social media uploads. I will not hold meetings and will not work further on any of my ideas and projects.
As a success addict with ridiculously high standards, the decision I took this week will not be an easy one on me. It is actually something I have never done in my life. After months and months of pushing through and ignoring literally every screaming sign coming from the inside, I understood there is no other way but to be radical. Just like when you want to stop smoking, you cannot from time to time still smoke ‘just one’ cigarette and think that you are not a smoker anymore.
Dobre stvari dolaze onima koji – odmaraju
Sve lekcije koje ne usavršimo, pojavljuju se opetovano u našim životima sve do onog trenutka dok nemamo više što naučiti. Ako osjećaš da ti se iste okolnosti i poteškoće ponavljaju ponovno i ponovno, to je zato što se pojavljuju. Pojavljuju se iz dobrog razloga – jer još uvijek postoji nešto što trebaš naučiti, nešto unutar sebe zacijeliti.
Točno prije četiri mjeseca borila sam se da prepoznam da sam se previše tokom svog života usmjeravala na ostvarivanje. Pisala sam o tome u blogu ‘Ovisnost o postignućima’. To je bio prvi dio kruga gdje sam razumjela da trebam biti malo blaža sa samom sobom i prestati skupljati diplome. Tada sam morala samu sebe uvjeriti da ne postoji nitko osim mene kome se trebam dokazivati te da sam vrijedna ljubavi, priznanja i odličnih stvari samim time što jesam. Nema potrebe da nitko certificira moju vrijednost.
Danas krug se još jednom okrenuo oko svoje osi i donio mi ponovno isti žanr okolnosti. Riješila se jesam uvjerenja da ne trebam diplome kako bih dokazala svoju vrijednost, ali ono što nisam primjetila je da sam zamijenila jednu ovisnost drugom. Nisam izliječila tu suštinsku vrijednost da sam vrijedna samo ako ostvarujem. Diplome su samo bile jedan aspekt te vrijednosti. Sada sam samo pronašla novi ‘alat’ u trci za istom stvari. Sada se umjesto diploma radi o tome koliko dobre rezultate ostvarujem u biznisu.
Vršila sam na sebe pritisak da ostvarujem rezultate u poslovanju i nisam si dopuštala da jednostavno budem, odmorim i opustim se. U sljedećih mjesec i pol dana imam nešto što bi mogla biti prilika života – potpuno plaćeni odmor. Mnogi pametni ljudi bi to odmah prepoznali kao ono što jest – zlatna prilika da uzmem ono što mi je dano – vrijeme za odmor i iskoristim ga da se isključim i nagradim se za sva ostvarenja prošlog perioda, kojih je doduše bilo mnogo. Većina ljudi bi ovu priliku prepoznali kao ono što jest – ostvarenje sna.
Većina ljudi, ali ne i ja. Kad si ja, to je teško učiniti. Teško je isključiti se, odmoriti i jednostavno se opustiti. Gotovo svaki vikend u prošlih nekoliko mjeseci provela sam na kauču doslovno pateći. Nisam ništa odradila od posla koji sam planirala jer sam se osjećala umornom i generalno bez inspiracije, ali istodobno nisam željela prihvatiti da radim previše i da mi treba odmor. Nisam si dopuštala ni da se odmorim onako kako treba jer me ubijala krivnja jer ne radim. Takve situacije gotovo bez iznimke rezultiraju letargijom i lošim raspoloženjem.
Ono što mi je sad važno naučiti jest da je odmor važan dio procesa. Jednako važan kao i rad. Pogledajmo bilo što u prirodi i vidjeti ćemo da ne postoji biće ili prirodni fenomen koji napreduje cijelo vrijeme bez prekida. To jednostavno nije prirodno, nije normalno to očekivati od sebe. Pogledajmo cvijet i vidjet ćemo da cvijet uzima vrijeme za rast i cvijetanje i onda uzima vrijeme za odmor. Pogledajmo lava i vidjet ćemo da on uzima vrijeme za lov i vrijeme za odmor. Naš mozak se resetira tokom sna, što je vrijeme odmora. Naši mišići ne rastu dok ih pumpamo u teretani, već tokom noći, u vrijeme odmora.
Ovladati odmorom jednako je važno kao i ovladati poslom. Ako to učinimo kako treba, naši će rezultati nakon toga cvjetati. Netko i treba objasniti da kad uzimem pošteni odmor i pauzu od rada, biti ću puno bolje pripremljena za velike izazove koji me čekaju na jesen.
Mnogi ljudi, kao i ja, žive u kroničnom psihološkom umoru. Mnogi, kao i ja žive s tim toliko dugo vremena da ne znamo više jesmo li to stvarno mii ili nešto drugo. Ponekad ne znamo tko smo uopće mi, a cijelo vrijeme nemamo pojma jesmo li ono najbolje to možemo biti. Imamo tendenciju da ‘okrivljujemo’ vanjske okolnosti: zahtijevnu karijeru, djecu i druge obiteljske okolnosti, naše godine ili (fizičko) zdravlje. Zapravo, ono što ne želimo razumjeti jest da nismo fizički umorni, već psihološki iscrpljeni.
Ti ljudi, baš kao i ja ne mogu si dopustiti da odmore i uživaju život jer uzimamo život preozbiljno. Osjećamo se krivima svaki put kad ne radimo nešto i svaki put kad se zabavljamo umjesto da trčimo za rezultatima. Bez sumnje, sve te vrijednosti i vjerovanja dolaze od naših roditelja i ranog djetinjstva, ali dobre vijesti su – mi više nismo ta djeca. Danas si možemo objasniti da doista se odmoriti i raditi nešto zabavno bez ikakvog drugog razloga je esencijalno koliko i svjež zrak. Dovoljno smo odrasli da možemo odabrati ne vjerovati ono što ne služi našoj fizičkoj i psihičkoj dobrobiti. Pametni smo i svjesni toliko da možemo razumjeti kako standardi koje promovira ovo društvo nisu zdravi. Ako se okrenemo oko sebe lako ćemo prepoznati rastući broj otuđenih, bolesnih i depresivnih sjena ljudi koji su jednom bili ispunjeni i sretni ljudi.
Naš je život u našim vlastitim rukama. Jedino u našim vlastitim rukama. Ako se mi ne brinemo sami za sebe, nitko neće. Ne zato što nemamo nekoga tko bi se brinuo, već zato što zbog naših vjerovanja im mi nećemo dopustiti da se brinu. Kad nam budu ponudili pomoć, mi ćemo odbiti jer ćemo se osjećati krivima i nećemo ih htjeti ‘uznemiravati’. Kad budemo imali priliku da se opustimo, nećemo je uzeti jer ‘još uvijek nismo sve završili’. Kad budemo imali ponudu da izađemo i zabavimo se, razmisliti ćemo tri puta prije nego odbijemo jer u to vrijeme možemo raditi nešto ‘puno korisnije’.
Začarani krug neće nikada prestati ako mi sami ne prepoznamo da nije stvar u poslu, u zahtjevnim članovima obitelji, u listama obaveza. Stvar je u nama. Samo u nama i našim krivim vjerovanjima da ne nemamo pravo stati, odmoriti se i ne raditi ništa, za promjenu.
Usprkos svim onim protestima u sebi, odlučila sam POTPUNO se isključiti i ne dopustiti si da radim do listopada. Neću obavljivati blogove i moguće ni postove na socijalnim mrežama. Neću održavat sastanke ni raditi na svojim idejama i projektima.
Kao ovisniku o postignućima s nerealno visokim standardima, odluka koju sam donijela ovaj tjedan neće biti laka. To je zapravo nešto što nisam nikad učinila. Nakon mjeseci i mjeseci borbe sa samom sobom i neslušanja svih mogućih znakova iz moje unutrašnjosti, shvatila sam da nema drugog načina nego biti radikalna. Baš kao kad želiš prestati pušiti. Ne možeš tu i tamo popušiti ‘samo jednu’ cigaretu i misliti da više nisi pušač.