Stop being selfish! Stop giving people what they want!

Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓

This post is a continuation of last week’s post. If you did not read it yet, I suggest you to do that first.

You all know the story of Jesus Christ, and his cross. Well, that’s how our lives look like. We all have a big cross over our shoulders, nailed to our wrists. That is our life’s responsibility that we should carry.  Good news is: that is all that we need to carry, ever!

When someone ask us to do something for them that is their own responsibility, they are basically asking us to take their cross from them and carry it. They want US to be responsibile for THEIR lives, and THEIR happiness. That person doesn’t care if we already have our own cross to bear, she insists that we take hers, too! In case we dare to refuse, this person will be angry and dissaponited.

When we are asked to help carry other people’s crosses, our huge ego gets in play, and we think: ‘Wow, I am so important to be given this privilege to help with carrying her cross! Bring it on, I am strong, I can do that!’. Most of the time this person in front of us is our husband, our mother, our sister. We want to help them, we want that their burden is less, we don’t want to see them suffering. So, we are naively trying to help, trying to take over their cross as well.

First, this strategy is extremely selfish, and secondly it simply doesn’t work!

  • Why is it selfish?

Because we think we are doing it to lessen THEIR suffering, but in fact we are doing it to lessen OUR OWN. By giving other people what they want without questioning whether it is the RIGHT thing to do, we are not helping anyone. We are just adding to the problem. We usually don’t ask whether something is the right thing for this person, because then we would also have to ask what is right for us. And that one is scary! That is a place where we don’t want to look. By doing so you are not helping anyone -neither that person nor yourself. You are not helping this person to develop themselves. You are not helping yourself to grow. The message that you are sending to the other person is: ”You are not able to take care of yourself. You have no strength yourself to overcome these things”. And on our own side, we are saying to ourselves: ”Oh, great! There is a damsel in distress! If I throw myself into resolving her problems, I don’t need to look into mine. Plus, I will be so important! So loved, so appreciated, so valuable”. Pure egocentrism – to think that we are a vital part of anyone’s life, and that they cannot survive without our help.

  • Why giving people what they want simply doesn’t work?

Remember the analogy with the cross? See, it is impossible to give our cross to anyone! We are nailed to it. We are born with it, and we will die with it. No one can take our cross away from us. Our cross is our mission on this Earth. WE came to live it. Not someone else. We cannot take our cross from our back and give it to others. It simply cannot be done!

When we ask others to carry our burdain instead of us, we are adding to thier burdain, we are pushing them together with their cross until they fall on their faces. They will feel tired, drained and as if their burdain is heavier than it should be. They will try to walk faster, but finally they will stumble and fall. They will be burdained and won’t be able to feel the joy of life.

When we are trying to take other’s burdain away from them, we are pulling their cross and causing their wrists to scream in pain. We cannot actually take the cross away. The only thing we are doing is pulling on the wound even deeper, and causing it to hurt more. This person will think that we are incapable of helping, so they will try to find someone else to try and ‘help’ causing the circle of pain to repeat.

Knowing this, you will understand that the only way to really help a person is by encouraging him/her on his way. What does that mean? It means giving him water to refresh along the way, saying to him ‘I understand it is hard at times, but you can do it!’, it means sitting and resting with this person when things become overwhelming, it means giving this person a hug, etc. It means supporting their journey so that their own cross can become easier to carry. That is all we can do for another person. And that is the only way to empowerment and freedom for both parties.

I will give you my own example to make this story more life-like.

I used to feel very insecure in general, and that used to be very evident in my relationships. I used to expect my partners to validate me, to behave this or that way for me. I used to expect them to prove their love to me, to do certain romantic gestures for me, to spend a lot of time with me, etc. If they would not do it, I would get angry. What I was basically doing was expecting them to take responsibility for my emotions. I needed other people to give me a sense of validation through telling me that they love me, appreciate me, etc. I could not be alone, so I needed them to spend a lot of time with me, and to entertain me because I was bored by myself.

I have put the responsibility on them of making me feel the way I wanted to feel. Because I did not want to deal with my emotions, because I did not want to understand why certain behaviours make me angry. I expected them to behave the certain way, so I would not have to look into myself. I expected them to fill in my time, so I would not have to face my fear of being alone. I expected them to validate me and prove their love to me, so I would not have to take a responsibility for finding my own value myself.

All those men who have fulfilled my wishes without questioning them, very soon became boring to me. I figured, they were not what I needed, so I would search for someone else who can do the job (a circle of pain, remember?). Surely, these people were not what I needed. Not because they were boring, but because they enabled my powerelessness.

Believe me, if you are not a part of the solution, rest assured – you are a part of the problem.

These men felt insecure, they felt I will not love them if they don’t give me what I want. They feared being alone, they believed that only by giving other people what they want, they can love them. This belief is so common! Almost every single person who grew up in this world feels that way. That is the way we were conditioned by growing up, our parents’ love was always conditioned by us doing something in exchange for it.

Men who really made me grow, and who made me into a woman that I am today were those who did not want to put up with my sh**. Only men who were very clear with what I can and cannot expect of them, and those who gave me only what they wanted to give me, and not what I WANTED THEM to give me, were the ones who made me progress in life. They were the ones who made me see what I needed to see, those were the ones who pushed me to look where I was supposed to look. They did not enable my powerlessness.

Of course, I hated them for their behaviour! I was hurt! I was in pain! They were jerks, they were idiots! I was angry! WHY? Why were you angry, Martina? Because they told you ‘You are the one who needs to bear your own cross, I cannot do it for you? If you need encouragement on your way, if you need a foot rub, if you need a sugar boost, I can do those things for you, but I cannot carry your responsibilities.’ Is that why you were angry? ‘If you want me to help you become stronger, I can do that, but I will surely not participate in your pity party’. Only those who did not want to participate in my pity party made me stronger because they did the RIGHT thing. And because of that right thing I got the opportunity to look into myself, to face my reality, and take the respnsibility for my own life.

Our responsibility is this: to do the most right thing FOR US. By doing so, you are also allowing everyone else to do what is the most right thing for them. Only by walking your own path, can you empower others to do the same. You are not supposed to give to other person nothing that you do not feel like giving. If you don’t feel good by giving it, you are not meant to give it.

By taking responsibility for your own cross, your own feelings, and your life you are making your cross easier to carry. You simply don’t feel your cross is a burdain anymore, it becomes your joy. You become one with your cross, you become happier, lighter and more satisfied. Once you understand what it means to own a responsibility for your own life you will feel FREE. And you will want everyone else to feel free.

You will not want anymore to be a part of anyone’s problem, only a solution.


Prestanite biti sebični! Prestanite davati ljudima ono što žele!

Ovaj post je nastavak prošlotjednog posta. Ako ga još niste pročitali, savjetujem da to najprije učinite.

Svi ste upoznati s pričom o Isusu Kristu i njegovom križu. Eto točno tako naši životi izgledaju. Mi svi imamo veliki križ preko svojih leđa, pribijen za naše zglobove. To je naša životna odgovornost koju trebamo nositi. Dobra vijest je: to je sve što ikada trebamo nositi!

Kad nas netko pita da napravimo nešto za njih što je suštinski njihova odgovornost, oni zapravo traže da nosimo njihov križ umjesto njih. Žele da preuzmemo odgovornost za NJIHOV život i NJIHOVU sreću. Tu osobu nije briga što mi već imamo svoj križ koji trebamo nositi, ona inzistira da uzmemo i njezin! Ako se slučajno usudimo odbiti, ona će biti ljuta i razočarana.

Kad nas netko pita da nosimo njihov križ, naš ogroman ego ulazi u igru i mi mislimo: ‘Wow, ja sam tako važan da imam tu privilegiju da nosim njezin križ! Ja sam jak, samo daj, ja to mogu bez problema!’. Većinu vremena osoba ispred nas je naš muž, naša majka, naša sestra. Želimo im pomoći, želimo olakšati njihov teret, ne želimo ih vidjeti da pate. Naivno pokušavamo pomoći, pokušavamo preuzeti na sebe i njihov križ.

Prvo, ta strategija je vrlo sebična, i drugo: jednostavno ne funkcionira onako kako vi mislite da funkcionira!

  • Zašto je sebična?

Jer mi mislimo da pomažemo kako bismo olakšali NJIHOV teret, ali zapravo pomažemo kako bismo olakšali SVOJ. Kad dajemo ljudimo ono što traže bez da se pitamo je li to PRAVA stvar koju treba učiniti, ne pomažemo nikome. Samo dodajemo problemu. Obično ne pitamo je li nešto prava stvar za tu osobu jer bi se onda trebali pitati i što je prava stvar za nas. A to nas straši! Tu ne želimo gledati! Na taj način ne pomažemo nikome – ni sebi ni toj drugoj osobi. Ne pomažeš toj osobi da se razvije. Ne pomažeš sebi da rasteš. Poruka koju šalješ drugoj osobi je: ‘Ti nisi sposobna brinuti za sebe. Nemaš snage da sama nađeš rješenja”. S druge strane sebi govoriš: ‘Super! Evo princeze koju treba spasiti! Ako se bacim na rješavanje njenog problema, ne moram gledati u svoj. Plus, biti ću tako važan, tako voljen, cijenjen i od velike vrijednosti’. Čisti egocentrizam – misliti da smo vitalni dio nečijeg života i da oni ne mogu preživjeti bez naše pomoći.

  • Zašto davati ljudima ono što žele ne funkcionira kako mi mislimo?

Sjećate se analogije s križem? Vidite, nije moguće dati naš križ nikome drugome. Prikovani smo za njega. S njime smo rođeni i s njime ćemo umrijeti. Nitko nam ne može oduzeti naš križ. Naš je križ naša misija. MI smo došli živjeti je. Ne netko drugi. Ne možemo uzeti križ s naših leđa i dati ga drugome. Jednostavno nije moguće!

Kad tražimo druge da nose naš teret umjesto nas, mi dodajemo njihovom teretu. Guramo ih zajedno s njihovim križem dok ne padnu na lice! Oni će se osjećati umorno, iscrpljeno i kao da je njihov teret teži nego što bi trebao biti. Pokušati će hodati brže, ali konačno će se spotaknuti i pasti. Biti će pod teškim teretom pod kojim nije moguće osjećati radost života.

Kad pokušavamo drugima oduzeti njihov teret, vučemo njihov križ uzrokujući njihove zglobove da vrište u boli. Ne možemo skinuti križ s njihovih leđa. Jedino što radimo je da produbljujemo ranu koja sada još više boli. Ta će osoba misliti da smo mi nesposobni pomoći joj i pokušati će naći nekoga drugoga da joj pomogne umjesto nas. I tako se krug boli nastavlja.

Znajući to, razumijeti ćete da je jedini način kako možemo pomoći drugoj osobi je da je osnažujemo da što lakše nosi svoj križ. Što to znači? To znači dati toj osobi vode da se okrijepi, govoriti joj ‘Razumijem da je ponekad teško, ali ti to možeš!’. To znači sjediti s tom osobom i odmoriti kad sve postane previše, zagrliti tu osobu, itd. Pomoći kako god možemo da ta osoba bude što snažnija kako bi njezin križ bio lakši. To je sve što možemo učiniti za drugu osobu. I to je istodobo jedini način ka osnaživanju i slobodi za obje strane.

Dati ću vam svoj vlastiti primjer kako bih vam životnije dočarala ovu priču.

U svojim prijašnjim vezama osjećala sam se vrlo nesigurno. Očekivala bih od svojih partnera da potvrđuju moju vrijednost, da se ponašaju na ovaj ili onaj način za mene. Očekival sam da dokazuju svoju ljubav prema meni, budu romantični, provode puno vremena sa mnom, itd. Ako to nebi učinili, ja bi se naljutila. Ono što sam zapravo radila je da sam očekivala od njih da preuzmu odgovornost za moje emocije. Trebala sam druge ljude da potvrde moju vrijednost – da mi kažu kako me vole, cjene, itd. Nisam mogla biti sama, pa sam od njih očekivala da provode puno vremena sa mnom i da me zabavljaju jer mi je samoj bilo dosadno.

Na njih sam htjela prebaciti svoju odgovornost da me učine da se osjećam onako kako sam se htjela osjećati. Jer se nisam htjela pozabaviti svojim vlastitim emocijama, nisam htjela zapitati se zašto su me određena ponašanja ljutila. Očekivala sam da se oni ponašaju na određeni način, kako ja nebi trebala gledati u sebe. Očekivala sam da ispune moje vrijeme, kako se nebih trebala suočiti sa svojim strahom od samoće. Očekivala sam da potvrđuju moju vrijednost kako ne bih trebala preuzeti odgovornost da sama nađem svoju vlastitu vrijednost.

Svi oni muškarci koji su ispunjavali moje želje bez propitivanja, vrlo su mi brzo postali dosadni. Zaključila sam da oni nisu bili ono što mi je trebalo, pa sam tražila nekoga drugog koji bi mogao obaviti taj zadatak (krug boli, sjećate se?). I jasno je, ti muškarci nisu bili ono što sam trebala. Ne zato jer su bili dosadni, već zato jer su podržavali moju nemoćnost.

Vjeruj mi, ako nisi dio rješenja, znaj da si dio problema!

Ti su se muškarci osjećali nesigurno, osjećali su da ih neću voljeti ako mi ne daju ono što želim. Bojali su se ostati sami. Vjerovali su da ako daju drugim ljudima ono što žele, oni će ih voljeti. To vjerovanje je toliko rašireno! Gotovo svaka osoba koja je odrastala u ovom svijetu osjeća se tako. To je način na koji smo odrastali. Ljubav je naših roditelja uvijek bila uvjetovana time da nešto učinimo zauzvrat.

Muškarci koji su mi pomogli da rastem, oni koji su me oblikovali u ženu koja sam danas su oni koji nisu pristajali na moja sr***. Samo muškarci koji su bili jasni oko toga što mogu, a što ne mogu očekivati od njih, koji su mi davali samo ono što su mi htjeli dati, a ne ono što sam JA OD NJIH OČEKIVALA, samo su mi ti muškarci pomogli da napredujem. Oni su pomogli da vidim ono što trebam vidjeti, oni su me natjerali da gledam tamo gdje sam trebala gledati. Oni nisu potpomagali moju nemoćnost.

Naravno, mene je njihovo ponašanje izluđivalo! Bila sam povrijeđena! Boljelo me! Oni su seronje, idioti! Bila sam ljuta! ZAŠTO? Zašto si bila ljuta, Martina? Jer su rekli ‘Ti si ta koja treba nositi svoj križ, ja to ne mogu učiniti za tebe’? ‘Ako ti je potrebno ohrabrenje, masaža stopala, nešto slatko za energiju, to mogu učiniti za tebe, ali ne mogu nositi tvoju odgovornost’. Jesi zato bila ljuta? ‘Ako želiš da ti pomognem da postaneš jača, to mogu učiniti, ali definitivno neću sudjelovati u tvojem partiju sažalijevanja’. Samo oni koji nisu htjeli sudjelovati na mom partiju sažalijevanja su me učinili jačom jer oni su učinili PRAVU STVAR. Zbog the prave stvari ja sam imala priliku pogledati sebi u oči, suočiti se sa svojom stvarnošću, i preuzeti odgovornost za svoj vlastiti život.

Naša odgovornost je ovo: učiniti najpraviju moguću stvar ZA SEBE. Na taj način ostavljamo prostor drugima da naprave pravu stvar za sebe. Jedino hodajući svojim vlastitim putem možemo osnažiti druge da učine to isto. Ne trebaš drugoj osobi dati ništa što ne želiš. Ako ne osjećaš da to trebaš dati, onda to ne trebaš dati!

Preuzimajući odgovornost za svoj vlastiti križ, svoje osjećaje i svoj život činiš svoj križ lakšim za nošenje. Ne osjećaš da je tvoj križ teret, već radost. Postaneš jedno sa svojim križem, postaneš sretniji, lakši i zadovoljniji. Jednom kad shvatiš što to znači preuzeti odgovornost za svoj život, osjećati ćeš se potpuno SLOBODNO. I željeti ćeš da se svi tako osjećaju.

Nećeš više željeti biti dio ničijeg problema, samo rješenja.