Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓
I used to be a person who always pleased others. I was brought up to be a ‘good girl’, just so many of us are. We are thought that we need to be ‘good’, and ‘good’ means to be on good terms with everyone, make sure we are not displeasing others or entering into any conflict with them, etc.
For me that was working well most of the time, until the moment when I wanted to do things that other people did not approve of. It was hard to reconcile the two parties: myself who really wanted something and others who might be displeased with it. There was a strong conflict that I felt inside of me in these situations. I was torn between knowing deep inside of me what was the right thing for me and the risk of other people being displeased with my decision. I wanted to reconcile those two parties, I wanted to please everyone.
Just like I did, I am sure you have seen in your own lives that to please everyone is impossible. At a certain point you must choose one path or the other. So, you think about it. Just as I did.
So, my thinking process went like this:
- If I choose myself and honor my truth = I am SELFISH
- If I choose other people’s truth and the way they want me to take = I am MISERABLE
There doesn’t seem to be an easy way out. I certainly didn’t want people to consider me selfish. Most importantly I couldn’t bear to consider myself selfish. On the other hand, I didn’t want to be miserable either. I am trying to hard to be happy in this life, it is hard to consciously choose to be miserable.
The only way out is to question those beliefs. Question them to the bone, until you uncover the (hard) truth. I did that for myself, and now I am sharing the answers with you. So be smart, and listen carefully.
Today I will tell you first part of the story: How it is actually impossible to be the culprit of other people’s suffering. I will question the first belief above: If I choose my own path, I am selfish.
- WHY would I be considered SELFISH if I choose my own path?
- What is wrong with having a life made just the way I want it?
- What is wrong with working to make my dreams come true?
- Why would anyone want to prevent me in this?
We think we are selfish if we follow our path because we think that by doing so we will hurt other people. We think we are ACTUALLY hurting other people with our own behavior. This is the first belief to get rid of because it is the core of our suffering in this story.
WE are not the ones HURTING others. THEY are HURT by our behavior. The difference between those two things is in the source of hurt, the source of suffering. It is not YOU who causes suffering to other people, it is THEM who cause themselves suffering when they observe your behavior. Your behavior is reminding them of a wound inside of them, which gets reactivated by observing whatever you are doing. A father who always desired to be a painter, but never dared to follow his dream will be hurt by his daughter deciding to break free of her 9 to 5 corporate job and pursue a career in arts. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her decision, but because observing her taking that path is hurting him so much, the father will try to stop her. He will tell her how reckless that is, that she will never achieve what she desires, that there is so much competition, that she won’t be able to break free financially. etc. – all those things that he used as his own rationale when he decided to kill his own dream so many years ago.
People who don’t want us to follow our dreams are people who don’t want us to remind them that they decided not to follow theirs. When we go and follow our dreams in front of their eyes, it is like turning a knife inside of their wound. Their wound is awareness that they still did not wake up and do what is right for them. Because it is too painful to look at that truth, they prefer not to be reminded of it. So they fight you, and your dream in hope that if no one else makes their dream come true, they will be fine. They will not suffer, and they will not have to look at the harsh truth ever again. The problem is that they will suffer equally, possibly even more, because they are constantly deciding not to take responsibility for their own decisions.
Here is another example of how this works. Imagine a behavior of other people that is making you angry. For example: someone insults you, tells you that you are stupid. He says that, you get angry. Why do you get angry? Why does that bother you? Do you believe that you are not smart? If you believe that you are smart, why would an opinion of a random person (or anyone for that matter) bother you? It will not bother you in another situation. For example you are an extremely skinny person, and your whole life you were aware that you are much skinnier than the average person. If someone tells you ‘You are fat!’, you would think that this person is just delusional, and has no clue what he is talking about! You will just think he is crazy, and move on!
In the first example, the truth is that somewhere deep inside of you don’t believe you are smart. Maybe your parents kept telling you while you were growing up that you are stupid (or just behaved in a way that made you think so). They might have said: ‘You are so bad in maths, how will you ever go by in life’ or ‘You are not good in school, you will never amount to anything’. There could have been so many things. The fact is that deep inside of you you don’t believe that you are smart and you desire so strongly to be smart. You believe that only if you are smart (or intelligent in a certain way), you will be able to achieve what you want in life. Taken that you are ‘not’, you believe that you cannot achieve much. And that hurts.
So now when this person told you that you are stupid, you went mental! They touched a wound! And it hurts! You don’t want to be called stupid ever! You don’t want to be reminded that you are not smart (this is in fact not true at all, but you believe it to be so). So, because of your deep (false) beliefs, fears and insecurities, you get hurt by a behavior of another person. With this same wound you will be jealous of your sister who gets much better results in school, you will be envious of your friend who got a scholarship abroad, etc. You might even go a step further and be the one who is telling others that they are stupid, or you might advise your friends not to pursue a certain academic advancement. You might just decide that studying is plain STUPID and has no value. You don’t believe you can do it, you don’t believe you have what it takes, so everything that is touching that wound is causing you pain. So many people and so many situations will ‘hurt’ you based on one and the same wound!
And now because you don’t want to take responsibility for your own part of the puzzle, for questioning your own false beliefs and looking into your own wounds, you are blaming others for MAKING you suffer. They are not making you anything! Your life is your responsibility. If something makes you angry or you feel it is hurting you, you must take a deeper look into yourself, and discover WHY this is so, where this wound comes from and how to clean it. Actually, those people are doing you a favor – they are showing you where to look!
Nothing you do is directly related with the way other people feel, just indirectly. Nothing other people do is about you. It is always about them. They are not doing anything TO YOU. They are just doing it because they believe it is the right thing for them. That’s all. Just like you. You are not being selfish, you are just trying to do what’s best for you.
Do you want to know what actually IS selfish? NOT following your path!
How? I’ll explain next week.
Ti nikoga ne povrjeđuješ, oni povrjeđuju sami sebe!
Ja sam bila osoba koja je uvijek tražila da zadovolji druge. Odgajana sam da budem ‘dobra curica’, kao što su mnogi od vas. Učili su nas da trebamo biti ‘dobri’, a ‘dobar’ znači da smo uvijek dobri sa svima, da svima udovoljimo, da ne ulazimo u konflikt, itd.
Za mene to je funkcioniralo većinu vremena, do trenutka kad sam htjela nešto što drugi nisu odobravali. Bilo je teško pomiriti dvije strane: sebe koja stvarno jako želi to nešto i druge koje bi mogli biti nezadovoljni time. U tim sam situacijama osjećala jak konflikt unutar sebe. Bila sam rastrgana između toga da znam duboko u sebi što je dobro za mene i rizika da ostali budu nezadovoljni mojom odlukom. Htjela sam pomiriti te dvije strane, htjela sam svih zadovoljiti.
Kao i ja, sigurna sam da ste i vi vidjeli u svom životu da je zadovoljiti sve – nemoguće. U određenom trenutku moraš odabrati jedan ili drugi put. Pa tako razmišljaš o tome. Kao što sam i ja.
Moj misaoni proces se odvijao ovako:
- Ako odaberem poštovati svoju istinu = SEBIČNA sam
- Ako odaberem tuđu istinu i put koji oni žele da odaberem = NESRETNA sam
Ne čini se da postoji lak izlaz. Nisam htjela da me drugi smatraju sebičnom. Najvažnije od svega, nisam mogla podnijeti da ja samu sebe smatram sebičnom. S druge strane, nisam ni htjela biti nesretna. Svi se mi toliko trudimo biti sretni u životu, teško je svjesno odabrati da budemo nesretni.
Jedini izlaz je da propitujemo ova vjerovanja. Propituj ih do kosti, dok ne otkriješ (bolnu) istinu. Ja sam to učinila za sebe, i sad dijelim odgovore s vama. Budite pametni i pažljivo slušajte.
Danas ću vam reći prvi dio priče: kako je zapravo nemoguće biti krivac za tuđu patnju. Propitivati ću prvo vjerovanje gore: Ako odaberem svoj vlastiti put – sebična sam.
- Zašto bi bila SEBIČNA ako odaberem svoj put?
- Što je loše u tome da živim onako kako ja to odaberem?
- Što je loše u tome da radim na ostvarenju svojih snova?
- Zašto bi me itko želio spriječiti u tome?
Mi mislimo da smo sebični ako slijedimo svoj put jer mislimo da ako to učinimo povrijediti ćemo druge. Mi mislimo da ZAPRAVO povrjeđujemo druge ljude svojim ponašanjem. To je prvo vjerovanje kojeg se trebate osloboditi jer je krucijalni izvor patnje u ovoj priči.
Mi nismo ti koji POVRIJEĐUJU druge. ONI su POVRIJEĐENI našim ponašanjem. Razlika između to dvoje je u izvoru povrede, u izvoru patnje. Nisi ti onaj koji uzrokuje patnju drugim ljudima, ONI su ti koji si uzrokuju patnju kad gledaju tvoje ponašanje. Tvoje ih ponašanje podsjeća na ranu unutar njih samih koja se aktivira kad gledaju tvoje ponašanje. Otac koji je uvijek želio biti slikar, ali se nikad nije usudio ostvariti svoj san osjećati će se povrijeđeno kad njegova kćer odluči napustiti svoj sigurni posao da bi razvila umjetničku karijeru. Nema apsolutno ničeg lošeg u njezinoj odluci, ali gledati njezin put toliko ga boli da će je on pokušati spriječiti. Reći će joj da je to neodgovorno, da nikada neće postići to što si je zamislila, da postoji ogromna konkurencija, da neće moći od toga živjeti, itd. – sve ono što je bila njegova logika kojom je odlučio ubiti vlastiti san toliko godina unazad.
Ljudi koji ne žele da slijedimo naše snove su ljudi koji ne žele da ih podsjećamo da su oni odlučili ne slijediti svoje. Kad mi odemo i slijedimo svoje snove pred njihovim očima, to je kao da smo zarili nož duboko u njihovu ranu. Njihova je rana svjesnost da se još uvijek nisu probudili i učinili što je pravilno za njih. Zato što je prebolno suočiti se s tom istinom, oni preferiraju da ih se na nju ne podsjeća. Oni će se boriti protiv tebe i tvog sna u nadi da ako nitko drugi ne ostvari svoje snove, oni će biti dobro. Neće patiti i neće morati ponovno gledati bolnoj istini u oči. Problem je da će oni jednako patiti, možda još i više jer konstantno odlučuju ne preuzeti odgovornost za svoje odluke.
Ovdje je još jedan primjer kako to funkcionira. Zamisli ponašanje druge osobe koje te ljuti. Na primjer: Netko te uvrijedi, kaže ti da si glup. On to kaže – ti se naljutiš. Zašto se naljutiš? Zašto te to smeta? Vjeruješ li da nisi pametan? Ako vjeruješ da si pametan, zašto bi te mišljenje druge osobe smetalo? Ne bi te smetalo u drugačijoj situaciji. Na primjer ti si vrlo mršava osoba koja je cijeli svoj život svjesna da je mnogo mršavija od prosječne osobe. Netko ti kaže ‘Ti si debela!’, mislit ćeš da je ta osoba negdje izgubila kontakt sa stvarnošću i nema pojma o čemu govori. Jednostavno ćeš misliti da je luda i krenuti ćeš dalje svojim putem.
U prvom primjeru istina je da ti negdje duboko u sebi vjeruješ da nisi pametan. Možda su ti roditelji dok si odrastao govorili da nisi jako pametan (ili su se ponašali na način koji te u to uvjerio). Možda su rekli: ‘Tako si loš u matematici, kako ćeš se ikad snaći u životu’ ili ‘Nisi dobar u školi, neće nikad ništa biti od tebe’. Tu je moglo biti puno razloga. Činjenica je da duboko u sebi ne vjeruješ da si pametan, a strašno to želiš biti. Vjeruješ da jedino ako si pametan (ili inteligentan na određeni način) moći ćeš ostvariti ono što želiš u životu. S obzirom da ti to ‘nisi’, vjeruješ da ništa nećeš postići. I to te boli.
I sada kad ti ta osoba kaže da si glup, ti poludiš! Taknuo je ranu! I ona boli! Ne želiš da te itko naziva glupim! Ne želiš da te podsjećaju da nisi pametan (to ustvari uopće nije istina, ali ti vjeruješ da jest). Zbog tvojih dubokih vjerovanja (koja su ustvari pogrešna), tvojih strahova i nesigurnosti, to si povrijeđen ponašanjem druge osobe. S tom istom ranom biti ćeš ljubomoran na svoju sestru koja ostvaruje bolje rezultate u školi, biti ćeš zavidan svojoj prijateljici koja je dobila stipendiju u inozemstvu, itd. Možda ćeš otići i korak naprijed i ti biti taj koji će govoriti drugima da su glupi ili savjetovati prijatelju da ne nastavlja sa školovanjem. Odlučio si da je školovanje jednostavno GLUPO i nema nikakve vrijednosti. Ti ne vjeruješ da to možeš ostvariti, ne vjeruješ da posjeduješ ono što je potrebno da to ostvariš. Svako ponašanje koje dira tu ranu boli. Toliko ljudi u toliko različitih situacija će te ‘povrijediti’ temeljeno na samo toj jednoj rani!
I sada zato što ne želiš preuzeti odgovornost za svoj dio slagalice, propitati svoja neistinita vjerovanja i pogledati u svoje rane, ti kriviš druge jer su te UČINILI da patiš. Nisu oni tebi učinili ništa! Tvoj je život tvoja odgovornost. Ako te netko naljutio ili osjećaš da te nešto povrijedilo, trebaš pogledati duboko unutar sebe i otkriti ZAŠTO je to tako, odakle ta rana dolazi i sanirati je. Zapravo ti ti ljudi čine uslugu – pokazuju ti gdje trebaš gledati!
Ništa što činiš nije direktno povezano s onim što drugi ljudi osjećaju, samo indirektno. Ništa što drugi ljudi rade nema puno veze s tobom. Njihovo je ponašanje uvijek o njima. Oni ne rade ništa TEBI. Oni nešto rade jer misle da je to prava stvar za njih. To je sve. Isto kao ti. Ti nisi sebičan, ti samo pokušavaš učiniti što je najbolje za tebe.
Želiš znati što zapravo JEST sebično? NE slijediti svoj put!
Kako? Objasniti ću sljedeći tjedan.