Hrvatska verzija dolje ↓
I literally dedicated my whole life to the search of ‘the one’, for someone who is going to be my life partner. Since I remember my existence I always searched for this other half, that special someone who is going to fulfill me in life. Why that was you can read here and here. However, what is equally important as the WHY is the HOW (and why).
My mother is a person who is really afraid of making mistakes in life. I am not sure whether she is actually aware of it. However, her actions do reveal this to be true. Her life lessons always turned around safety and choosing for the safest option. While growing up my mother would get really mad every time I would do something that she would consider to be a mistake. She is one of those people who are so afraid of making mistakes that she believes that a happy life is a life in which you never make any mistakes. However, this train of thought is the biggest mistake anyone can ever make in life.
That last life lesson I got to learn only way later in life. While I was growing up I was believing what my parents taught me. We all do this because when we are kids our parents’ reality is the ultimate reality and we are biologically conditioned to not question it (due to our safety and ability to survive as human beings). So naturally I also lived in a way where I believed that making a mistake is the worst thing that you can do, and I tried everything possible to avoid making mistakes. Many people live like this. You will see it in people who have hard time making any decisions because they are never sure which one will be the ‘correct’ one. You see it in people who never take risks and do all the things ‘properly’ according to the rules that society lays down in front of them regardless of how they feel about it. You will see it in people like me who are endlessly searching for ‘the right’ partner.
My modus operandi with each and every relationship was to be in it long enough until I was with certainty able to determine whether this person was the guy with who I could spend MY WHOLE LIFE WITH. This was the imperative. Nothing else mattered. Whenever I entered into a relationship with someone, I embarked on a mission to get to know them so well in order to be able to be sure and certain that they would be able to fulfill this criteria. I had to make sure that:
1. I loved him enough, and that my love for him will not fade over the years. How exactly I was planning to do that I don’t know to this day, but some of my criteria was that for example he was fun to be around with (so I would not get bored), that his life was exciting enough (so I would not get bored), that he was adventurous enough (so that I would not get bored). You get the picture.
2. I had to make sure that he would feel the same way (never decide to leave me). For this reason I would choose men who were showing strongly their dedication to me, who expressed openly and proved by their deeds how strong their love for me was, men who did not show signs of wanting to experiment, who were romantic, etc.
3. I had to make sure that the man and our relationship was ‘approved’ by the society. I had to assure that he was accepted by my family and the community they live in, that he didn’t make any ‘mistakes’ himself (like being divorced, having a child, taking drugs, committing any crimes, that he looks acceptable (no excessive piercings and tattoos, weird clothes and hairstyle), isn’t of the ‘wrong’ race, etc.). You know… all those things that conservative society thinks is any factor in having a fulfilled life.
I was so deadly afraid of possibly having to divorce one day because that for me and the society in which I grew up in was the ultimate mistake. I thought that I can control that. I thought that I can control life. I thought that if I was able to choose the perfect partner based on the above criteria, I will be happy in life. This is what I was taught: make sure not to make a mistake. So, I tried. I tried my best my whole life not to make THIS mistake.
When you put all those criteria down like this, I am sure you are able to see how ridiculous this is, and actually practically impossible. However, this is how you are thinking when you are deadly afraid of making a mistake. You put all those criteria down, and you desperately chase them thinking that after all this, you will make the ‘right’ decision and then all is good, your life will be happy.
There are several problems with this:
1. Your life is very miserable and you struggle WHILE searching for the ULTIMATE RIGHT THING
2. Life passes you by and you are not able to fully enjoy it, nor are you really enjoying the relationships you find yourself in
3. You will never find this thing because you are basically searching for a unicorn to live with in Lalaland and not on this planet
4. You might miss so many amazing people on your way who can genuinely make you happy for a part or possibly for your entire life
5. You will never learn anything. From our biggest mistakes we draw our most valuable lessons. That is why they exist.
6. You are just going in circles because no matter what you do you can NEVER EVER control life
7. You will one day wake up and realize that chasing a life without mistakes IS the biggest mistake that you can ever make in life
Life cannot be controlled. Life is a miraculous occurrence with its own intelligence. Everything in our life is perfectly put together for us. Not so that we can live a life without mistakes but to experience all there is to it and enjoy it to its fullest. When you are trying to avoid something, you are creating resistance to it. The best law of nature is this: What you resist doesn’t go away. It persists even stronger and keeps coming back to you in ever bigger quantities. This the the truth of life.
My heartfelt advice for you is: go wherever your heart calls you to go. Be curious as a child, follow your intuition and experience all of it. The best thing I realized in this life is: THERE ARE NO MISTAKES. If you just embrace everything that is happening in your life you can never make a mistake. A mistake is just a construct made by the society we currently live in. It is not the law of nature and it is not the law of life. How you can know that this is true:
1. Ask yourself: Who said that this is a mistake? Do I think so or was I taught so by the society? If I am the one who thinks this is a mistake, WHY do I think this (here you might come back to the expectations of the society). Only YOU can decide whether something is a mistake, it should be your gut feeling that is telling you that something is the wrong path for you.
2. Animals live their life peacefully and don’t ever think that something they did was a mistake. It is not a natural law of existence.
3. Why would we be put in a life with all these possibilities if we are not meant to experience them? Why would we be having anything coming onto our path if it wasn’t meant for us?
4. Something that is a mistake in nowadays’ society was not a mistake 100 years ago and might not be a mistake 5 years from now. Society is changing and so are its rules. There is no point to measure yourself by an ever-moving target. It keeps moving all the time, and if you follow it, you will never know where you are actually going.
Najveća pogreška u životu je nikada ne napraviti pogrešku
Ja sam doslovno posvetila cijeli svoj život traženju Gdina. Savršenog, onog tko će biti moj životni partner. Otkad se sjećam svog postojanja tražila sam svoju drugu polovicu, tog nekog posebnog tko će me ispuniti. Zašto sam to tražila možete pročitati ovdje i ovdje. Međutim, ono što je jednako važno kao ZAŠTO je KAKO (i zašto).
Moja majka je osoba koja se jako boji učiniti pogreške u životu. Nisam sigurna je li ona toga zapravo svjesna. Međutim, njezine akcije potvrđuju da je to istina. Njezine su se životne lekcije uvijek okretale oko sigurnosti i biranja najsigurnije opcije. Dok sam odrastala moja bi se majka jako naljutila svaki put kad bih ja učinila nešto što je ona smatrala pogreškom. Ona je jedna od onih ljudi koji se toliko boje napraviti pogrešku da vjeruje da je sretan život onaj u kojemu nikada ne napravimo pogrešku. Međutim, taj način razmišljanja je najveća pogreška koju netko može učiniti u životu.
Ovu posljednju lekciju naučila sam tek kasnije u životu. Dok sam odrastala vjerovala sam onome što su me moji roditelji učili. Svi mi to činimo. Za nas dok smo djeca stvarnost naših roditelja je ultimativna stvarnost i biološki smo predizpozicionirani da je ne propitujemo (zbog sigurnosti i očuvanja vrste). Stoga prirodno, i ja sam živjela na način da sam vjerovala da je učiniti pogrešku najgora stvar koju možemo učiniti i činila sam sve u svojoj moći da izbjegnem pogreške. Puno ljudi živi na taj način. Vidjet ćete to u ljudima kojima je teško donijeti neku odluku jer nikad nisu sigurni jesu li odabrali ‘onu točnu’. Vidjeti ćete to u ljudima koji nikada ne riskiraju i čine sve stvari ‘onako kako treba’ prema društvenim normama bez obzira na to kako se osjećaju s tim. Vidjet ćete to u ljudima kao što sam ja koji u nedogled tragaju za ‘pravim’ partnerom.
Moj modus operandi u svakoj vezi bio je da budem u njoj dovoljno dugo dok nisam mogla sa sigurnošću utvrditi je li taj muškarac osoba s kojom bih mogla provesti CIJELI SVOJ ŽIVOT. To je bio imperativ. Ništa drugo nije bilo važno. Kad god sam započela vezu s nekim, krenula sam u misiju da ga toliko dobro upoznam kako bih mogla biti sigurna i uvjerena da ću ispuniti taj kriterij. Morala sam osigurati da:
1. Volim tog muškarca dovoljno i da moja ljubav prema njemu nikada neće izblijedjeti. Kako sam točno planirala to osigurati ni dan danas ne znam, ali neki od mojih kriterija su bili npr. da je zabavan (kako mi ne bi dosadio), da je život koji vodi dovoljno uzbudljiv (kako mi ne bi dosadio), da je avanturista (kako mi ne bi dosadio). Uglavnom, razumjeli ste.
2. Da on osjeća jednako za mene (kako nikada ne bi odlučio ostaviti me). Zbog tog razloga odabirala bih muškarce koji su mi bili privrženi, iskazivali otvoreno svojim riječima i djelima svoju ljubav prema meni, muškarce koji nisu pokazivali znakove eksperimentiranja, bili su romantični, itd.
3. Morala sam osigurati da je taj muškarac i naša veza ‘odobrena’ od strane društva. Morala sam osigurati da je prihvaćen od strane moje obitelji i zajednice u kojoj oni žive, da on sam nije učinio nikakve pogreške (razveo se, imao dijete, konzumirao droge, počinio zločine, da izgleda primjereno (po mogućnosti bez piercinga i tetovaža, čudnih odjevnih kombinacija i ekstravagantne frizure), da nije ‘krive’ rase, itd.). Znate, sve one stvari koje konzervativno društvo smatra nekim faktorom za življenje ispunjenog života.
Toliko sam se panično bojala razvoda jer je to u zajednici u kojoj sam odrastala vrlo velika pogreška. Mislila sam da to mogu kontrolirati. Mislila sam da mogu kontrolirati život. Mislila sam da ako budem mogla odabrati partnera prema gore navedenim kriterijima, biti ću sretna u životu. To je ono čemu su me učili: što god učinila, nemoj praviti greške. Stoga, ja sam pokušala. Davala sam sve od sebe cijeli svoj život kako ne bih učinila TU pogrešku.
Kad malo bolje pogledate te kriterije vjerujem da možete vidjeti koliko su smiješni i zapravo praktično neostvarivi. Međutim tako osoba misli kad se panično boji učiniti pogrešku. Postaviš si sve te kriterije, očajnički ih tražiš cijeli svoj život misleći da će ti to pomoći da doneseš ‘pravu’ odluku i tada će sve biti dobro, tvoj će život biti sretan.
U tom rješenju postoji nekoliko problema:
1. Tvoj je život jadan i mučiš se TOKOM tog traženja za TOM ULTIMATIVNOM PRAVOM STVARI
2. Život prolazi pokraj tebe i ne možeš potpuno uživati u njemu ni u vezama u kojima se nalaziš
3. Nikada nećeš naći to što tražiš jer zapravo tražiš jednoroga s kojim ćeš živjeti u Lalalandu a ne na ovoj planeti
4. Mogao bi propustiti mnogo predivnih ljudi na tom putu koji bi te istinski mogli usrećiti u dijelu ili čak i tokom cijelog života
5. Nikada ništa nećeš naučiti. Iz naših najvećih pogrešaka dolaze najvrijednije lekcije. To je razlog zbog kojeg postoje.
6. Vrtiš se u krug jer što god učinio NIKADA ne možeš kontrolirati život
7. Jednog dana ćeš se probuditi i shvatiti da je traganje za životom bez pogreške najveća pogreška koju možeš učiniti
Život se ne može kontrolirati. Život je čudesna pojava s vlastitom inteligencijom. Sve je u našem životu savršeno posloženo za nas. Ne da bismo živjeli život bez pogrešaka, već kako bismo iskusili sve što nam život pruža i potpuno u njemu uživali. Kad nešto pokušavaš izbjeći, stvaraš otpor prema tome. Najvažniji zakon prirode je ovaj: Ono čemu se opireš neće nikada otići. Nastavlja postojati još jače i dolazi u tvoj život u još većim količinama. To je istina života.
Moj savjet od sveg srca je: idi gdje god te srce zove. Budi znatiželjan kao dijete, slijedi svoju intuiciju i proživi sve. Najbolja stvar koju sam spoznala do sada je: POGREŠKE NE POSTOJE. Ako jednostavno prigrliš sve što se događa u tvom životu ne možeš nikada učiniti pogrešku. Pogreške su samo konstrukt stvoren od strane društva u kojem trenutno živimo. One nisu prirodni zakon ni životni zakon.
Kako možeš znati da je to istina:
1. Zapitaj se: Tko je rekao da je nešto pogreška? Jesam li to sam odlučio ili je to društvo odlučilo za mene? Ako sam to sam odlučio, ZAŠTO to mislim (ovdje bi mogao doći natrag na očekivanja društva). Samo TI SAM možeš odlučiti je li nešto pogreška. Tvoja će ti intuicija reći je li nešto pogrešan put za tebe.
2. Životinje žive mirnim životom i ne misle nikada da su učinile pogrešku. Pogreška nije prirodni zakon postojanja.
3. Zašto bismo na našem putu susreli sve te mogućnosti ako nisu namijenjene da ih iskusimo? Zašto bi išta došlo u naš život što nije namijenjeno nama?
4. Nešto što se danas smatra pogreškom nije bilo pogreška prije 100 godina i možda za 5 godina opet više neće biti pogreška. Društvo se mijenja zajedno sa svojim pravilima. Nema smisla mjeriti se prema meti koja se neprestano mijenja. Neprestano se pomiče, stoga ako je ona ono što slijediš, nećeš nikada znati gdje zapravo ideš.